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Celestial Firestorm Captain
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 Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 10:20 am
Ok so, yesterday one of my teachers decided the best way to get us used to writing for his class would be some free writing. This is mine.
Basically he told us to close our eyes and imagine a space. Any kind of space.
Then imagine a person.
Then later he threw in this: "Suddenly, a telephone rings. Incorporate that into your story."
Then even later he threw in this: "Listen to the room. Listen to the sounds of the room and incorporate that into your story."
Then even later he threw in this: "Suddenly, a women bursts through a door. Incorporate that into your story."
This is what came out of that.
----
It is white, bright and padded. There is nothing, only padded walls. The air is cool, a mild temperate zone to keep her comfortable. New air is cycled in to the room, and yet, the padding seems to still hold something, some essence of patients long ago removed.
She sits, alone. Her hands and arms are bound in her white straight jacket, and her legs are pulled close to her. White pants, simple and plain to stifle any brazen free thoughts. She wears no shoes. Always smiling, a deranged smile, with more teeth than should be in a human's mouth. Wild eyes, a steely blue or maybe a dim grey, seem almost happy and joyful, though she is trapped. Her stringy brown hair hangs limply, falling anywhere it pleases, and she cares not if it covers her face.
Forever sitting, forever smiling. She does nothing but stare, watching for signs of someone to take her away.
In the security booth - always on watch - a telephone rings. The message, severe.
More death, more murder, but-- That's impossible! She still sits, she still smiles, never leaving. She remains trapped. And yet, the evidence does not lie.
She was not alone in her crimes.
It couldn't be true!
She was not alone. It is fact.
She still sits, she still smiles, never moving. She looks to the camera, placed for her own safety. Smiling, smiling.
There is only silence. People are stunned, shocked at the news. The possibility was never considered. How could this have been over-looked? A simple prospect: a partner. One other being associated with the terror, the terror that held a city hostage. It is so quiet; you can hear the small hum of the air conditioner. Nothing more.
The sudden sound knocked them from their stupor. A woman, enraged and hysterical, bursts through the door, screaming about the news.
This cannot be! This cannot be! Did you ever leave your posts?!
No, no! How could we?
There cannot be another! The city will never survive another! She must have gotten loose somehow! There is no other explanation!
No! She never left! It is impossible!
On the monitor, she only smiles. Sitting, smiling.
She knows.
And she simply smiles.
----
Twenty points to anyone who can guess who "she" is. The mental patient. Good luck.
You can post here.
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 7:52 pm
I really like this. The end gave me a chill--quite creepy.
The style is interesting, not something you see everyday in writing, and I like how it all flows together from one point to another without any actual dialogue to interrupt it. I mean, I like dialogue, but here it would have interfered, I think, so the way you've written this works well.
The only criticism I have, really, is for the description in the first paragraph. It just seems a bit choppy, somehow, kind of forced. I think maybe it could be cut down some, perhaps.
But, still, all in all, this is very good. I have no idea who the "she" is, though--I guess she's based off a real person? You have me all curious now.
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Celestial Firestorm Captain
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Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 1:34 pm
Thank you!
I didn't know he was gonna throw in all the extra stuff; no one did. I thought he was just gonna make us describe the room and the person. So, yeah, the descriptions are off. It's just... how it came into my mind.
It's weird, though. When I was writing, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that it was like poetry. Something like a very free verse poem.
He told us to switch papers to do a little editing... The girl who got mine thought that they were actually supposed to be lines of dialogue, and that it was my error the quotation marks weren't there. I got a glimpse at my paper, and saw that she wanted indents and quotation marks. Somehow, those just don't seem right.
Sorta. She's a character in a TV show. Occasionally. I'd love to tell you, but that would spoil the guessing game~! Not that anyone besides you and me actually post around here...
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:18 pm
Yeah, there's a similarity between this and free verse poetry, though it's definitely still prose.
I think it works better without the quotation marks because they sort of seem like the thoughts of everyone and not just one specific person.
Hm... Well, if no one guesses, you could tell me later, maybe? I don't have cable so I can't even begin to guess as to what show you're talking about, haha.
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