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 Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 11:16 am
First I havn't written a poem in about 5-6 years now, second I have never taken any sort of class for this sort of thing so if you're going to point something out, please explain why it's wrong, ok? (It makes it easier to understand what I did wrong)
And yes I had too little sleep and too many war documentaries on tv the night before this was written. icon_ninja.gif
One, two, three, four, march!
One, two, three, four
March until you drop
Enemy, Fire!
On your knees, in the mud
Aim your gun, fire at will
Kill a man, wound another
Friend or foe?
Who knows? Fire!
Incoming! Retreat!
Duck and run
Every man for himself
Hot lead, a bullet in the back
Face down in the dirt
Can’t breathe
Cold and dark, then nothing more
Cold medal on a cold chest
Ma’am your son died bravely in war
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:11 pm
Oh wow, I like this a lot. I'm horrible at poetry and I do not know anything about it... so I can't really offer any criticism other than the fact it portrays the ideas behind war very well.
Have a name for it?
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:23 pm
Heh I'm sad to say I don't know much about poetry either.. for some reason the litterature part of my language courses don't include poetry of any kind.. sad isin't it?
And well I'm kind of bad with titels so I just named it "War" for now.. mainly to have something to call the word document ^^;
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:25 pm
First off, 'tis better than some I've seen coming from people who HAVE had classes, so kudos to you! Poetry is rough to get into because people interpret so many different things in them, which may or may not have anything to do with your original intention. The more concrete the poem, the easier it is for people to grasp, and that's how yours works. smile (I do abstract poetry on occasion, no one gets it, then they hate it...hehe)
Secondly, I'ma point a couple things out; please take them as ENcouragement and not DIScouragement (and please let me know if I don't make sense - sometimes I ramble).
You use less words and shorter phrases in the beginning, before being shot (lines 1-12), then longer phrases when dying (lines 13-17), and end with a long line (1 cool . This is what I mean by poems being taken many ways: One angle you could look at is as death comes, everything around the dying man seems to slow down. On the other hand, you could make even shorter phrases as life, and breath, is being taken away. Personally, I like the way your lines got longer smile
Either way you choose to float the ending, there are two things I saw that you might want to look at were your addition of extra words. In slowing down the action you added "then" (16) and the phrase "a bullet in the back" (13). If you look back up in the poem, you've written short phrases (on your knees, aim your gun), so the extra word "then" sounds awkward with the flow of the poem, and "a bullet" grants too much with specifics in the poem when the rest of the battle has been general to that point. "Hot lead in the back" might be more effective; the reader will know what you mean.
Hope this helps; keep writing!!
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 9:36 pm
Personally i thought it was really good! I don't know too much about poetry, so i can't offer too much solid advice on improvement. sweatdrop There were just a few comments i thought i should make.
Firstly, find a lot of people tend to capatalise every single line of their poem even when it isn't necessarily. If this is your style, thats fine, but personally i think it flows better when words in the middle of sentences aren't capitalised.
On another note, several lines in the poem struck me as having a marching kind of rhythm, which i thought really fitted in with the poem. *thumbs up* The only problem was every so often i would come to a line which would throw the rhythm off, making it sound weird in my head. Just thought i should post something about keeping rhythm in mind, especially with such short phrases. It can be very effective in writing a good poem - but one jarring line can throw it all out the window.
Keep up the good work! I'm hoping to improve my poetry also. Can't wait to read some more of your work.
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:48 pm
Thanks for the feedback guys, I'll take a look at it as soon as I wake up abit more (never edit anything early in the morning before you've had breakfast...), but I can defently see that the "then" is kind of redundant, and I'll take a look at the flow, I suspect that the music going from Rammstein - Links 2,3,4 to some Nightwish song could have had something to do with it.. that and as I said in my initial post, poetry is kind of rare from me, but sometimes inspiration does strike. smile
But I'll take a look at it a little later and see if I can edit it, this was basiclly jsut from my math notebook to word for spellchecking and then on here, so it's moer or less the first draft.
Thanks guys and girls! heart
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:07 pm
Inspiration is a dangerous thing for me...lol Especially when it hits in the morning *sighs* That's when I lose comprehension and make up wild and fantastical things that only I can sort out......and then at the end of the day I can look back and say, "Uhhhh...yeah, you're right, I have no idea what that is..." sweatdrop I love giving feedback; glad when it's well recieved, because that's the mark of a dedicated writer!
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