Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Library: West Wing [prose]
I'll Be By Your Side [Need Serious Critiquing] Goto Page: 1 2 [>] [»|]

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

  +1
View Results

Tsuta
Captain

PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:03 pm


Hey all, I'm sending this in for a contest at my university... if anyone has some extra time I could use someone to look for grammar errors, plot flaws, stuff like that. Thanks! 3nodding
Be as honest as possible.


I'll Be By Your Side

If Sade taught me anything in life... it was dreams are the reasons we live and without them our lives are meaningless.

---

I sprawled out on Sade’s couch, it was by far one of the best pieces of furniture ever made. I basically only come to his house for the couch of heaven (that’s what I call it), well not really just for that… but it is a piece of work.

Sade was busy on the phone with his dad, who was telling him to buy a pizza because he wouldn’t be home. This was not surprising, Sade’s father rarely came home from work. Ever since Sade’s mom died a few years back he’s done nothing but working. Sade acts like he doesn’t care, and he may not, but the house is so huge and so empty. Which is why my beautiful a** is always here to keep his sorry one company.

I had known Sade for many years. He was definitely my one and only friend. I couldn’t even imagine my life without him. My life was unbearable enough as it was. My father, if I could even call him that, was as much of an alcoholic as someone can get. He had nothing sane left in him, and to my unfortunate luck he was my last living relative. I personally prefer not to consider him a father, or a family member either since in my life he has never acted like one. Sade is as close to a family member as I ever had. He was always there for me when I need him and I was always there for him when he needed me. As long as we have each other then we could face anything.

I watched Sade as he paced back and forth with his mobile in his hand staring at the ceiling in apparent annoyance to get off the phone. Sade was an impatient person. He had bright blue eyes that looked like tropical waters in Florida or something. They could calm the wildest of beasts, but they always looked distant and sad. He too like me had lost everything in his life but his father. Although his dad wasn’t nearly as bad as mine, he was never home to pay attention to Sade and I think that’s what hurt him the most. Where alcohol had consumed my father’s existence, work had consumed Sade’s dad’s existence. They say different people cope in different ways.

Many times I came over, not only to get away from my own house but to keep Sade company. I always try to bring happiness into those eyes and on rare occasions I succeeded and that made my day. Though today he didn’t look entirely as sad and distance as normal he actually looked kind of hyper which was a scary thought.

He shut his phone and then looked at me with a small smile on his face and I felt a moment of concern come over me. “What are smiling like that for?” I muttered to him.

He jumped onto the couch with me throwing his legs onto my lap and sprawling out. “Nothing.” He said quietly, then added “you just wouldn’t understand.”

I gave a grunt and pushed his legs off my lap and glared at him. Then I frowned, “Come on Sade we always tell each other everything,” I whined like a young child begging for their way, it made him grin.

Knowing I had succeeded at making him smile wider I pushed out my lower lip, and gave him the puppy dog eyes. He just stared at me for a second then started laughing. “Are you serious Adrian? Do you actually think that look works on me? And I told you that you wouldn‘t understand.”

As he grabbed his side falling into a fit of laughter I just pouted more in disgust at him for being such a jerk. He always fell for ‘the look’ and he dared act all tough now? I gave a gasped in mock offense grabbing his attention with my sudden out burst.

“How dare you insult my intellect!” I cried and he just shook his head pulling his socks on and getting up from the couch where we sat.

“Awe Sade, no don't go, please don't!” I pouted, following him to the door. “If anyone’s leaving it should be me because you’re being such a jerk!” I defended myself even with no intentions of leaving.

When he opened the door we both saw the torrential downpour. “Second thought maybe I’ll stay.” I muttered just as he sprinted off into the showering sheets of cold water to the mailbox.

I chuckled as he attempted to dodge puddles on the uneven sidewalk, he was failing miserably at it though. I waited at the door as he came dashing back into the room skidding to a halt before the carpet so he didn't get his muddy feet all over it.

“I think it's going to rain.” He declared giving me a cheeky grin, I just rolled my eyes. He was always like that stating the obvious. He pulled off his disgustingly wet socks, why he didn’t put shoes on I don’t know but I wasn’t planning to ask since; Sade was Sade without explanation.

When he stood up he walked over to the kitchen and flopped down into the chair flipping through the mail. I watched him pull one letter and then chuck the rest to the side. Intrigued I wandered over.

“Whose that from?” I asked looking over his shoulder.

“It’s a letter from Mel.”

I knew who Mel was of course, you can't be around Sade for more than a day without knowing who Mel was. When Sade moved here during middle school he had left someone behind, Mel. She was his best friend back then, and they had apparently always liked each other. I don't know if either one ever acted on it, I did know however, that Sade was head over heals in love with his dream girl. I had never met her, he sometimes went to go see here every now and then but only for a day or so. He would never take me along, I don’t know why. Always thought it was because he was embarrassed of me or something like that I mean there is no guarantee that I won’t make fun of him. If you think about it though, everyone in that situation where they meet someone through a friend always makes fun of that friend, it’s a way of bonding with the new person. Facts of life.

Thinking somewhat fast I grabbed the letter out of his hands and held it above his head reading it to myself as he practically climbed on me to get to it. I snorted as I finished, “Love Mel? Love Mel!” I cocked an eyebrow and looked at him as he stopped trying to get the letter. Letting go of my arm he blushed, something that was so cute.

“When'd she fall in love with you?" I said jokingly.

He glared for a split second then said, “When we were on vacation last month, she's transferring here so we can be together.” He looked happy at that one moment and I knew there was no way anyone could have ever dampened his mood. He hadn’t even told me that she had went on that vacation with her as well as his dad.

I bit my tongue to stop from complain to him, instead I handed him back his love letter and wandered back to the couch of heaven where I slumped down and this time I sprawled out on it.

Sade came over a couple seconds later and sat on the floor leaning on the couch. “Don’t be a grump cause I didn’t tell you about the vacation.” That comment made me stop staring off and look into his eyes, he knew me too well sometimes it was scary.

“I’m not.” I said quietly trying to think of a way to avoid the conversation that was coming up about me being nice to her blah blah blah. “So when is she coming? Are you actually going to let me meet her?” I asked a second later just as he opened his mouth.

He smirked and then said, “Of course she's going to be going to our school so it would be really hard for me to hide her from you. Even though I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can." I glared at him and he stuck his tongue out at me.

I chuckled at the sight of his complete immaturity but then again I could be incredibly immature too. I looked at him seriously and said, “Hey if your in love with her there is not much I can do anyways right?”

“Right,” came his quiet reply, then he said “She’s coming next week.”

“Oh, so soon?” I questioned trying to hide my disappointment. I was going to have to start sharing Sade and that was something I didn’t know if I could do very well.

“We've known for awhile.” He stated. That stung, we told each other everything, and he hadn't told me any of this. I guess things were going to start changing which was a scary thought since I had no one else but Sade.

“Are you not going to want me to hang around anymore?” I asked, hoping he wouldn't say yes; I didn't really have anywhere else to go.

“No, you can come around the same as you usually do.” I nodded avoiding his gaze. This was the beginning of the end I thought. I guess when next week rolled around I would find out if everything was going to change for better or for worse. Somehow I had a feeling it wouldn’t be too bad despite everything.

“I'm not going to walk in on anything right?” I teased him trying to lighten the mood, he grinned at me.

“Like you would care if you did.” I smirked at him he was so right.

“Good point, I've got to get going though or else my old man is going to skin me.” He nodded and walked me to the door. The rain was still falling pretty hard, as I threw on my shoes and walked out into the downpour waving at him. I started to jog passed his black pick up truck towards my house wondering why I hadn't drove my car over. Stupid me, I guess.

As I ran with the rain hitting my face making it feel like hail, I thought, would things really change when Mel came? Would Sade change? Maybe he would be happier. Something I wished only I managed to do for him since he always does so much for me. I continued running letting my mind wander to every thought about the new situation that was arising.

I arrived at my house a short while after and I opened the mailbox that was hanging loosely from the outside wall. Flipping though the letters while standing in the rain, I came across a large envelope and glanced at the sender. I almost screamed in joy. It was from the college I applied to. I ran to my small porch and ripped open the envelope, I had gotten in on a scholarship. I shoved the papers back into the envelope, receiving a nasty paper cut. Even as the blood dripped down my finger I wasn't bothered by it; I was going to college. I was getting out of this house, nothing could ruin this.

I walked in quietly hoping my father wasn't awake. Wandering to the kitchen I rummaged under the sink for a Band-Aid. Finding one, I put it on my paper cut then turned around to get up. I was stopped by a massive obstacle. I could smell the liquor on his breath from the floor where I knelt. I could see the bottle of beer in his hand and I wished I was anywhere but there.

Moving as quick as I could I dodged passed him grabbed my envelope from the old table and dashed down the hall and into my room locking the door behind me. I heard glass shattering in the kitchen and I was so glad I was out of there. Looking down at the envelope in my hands, I flopped onto my bed and let out a huge sigh. Why couldn't I have a normal family? That's all I ever wanted, and the closest thing to family I had was Sade.

----

A week later Mel arrived nothing really changed. I still made frequent visits to get away from my house. Mel was very cool, she was just Sade's type: quiet, calm, nice and very pretty.
Soon enough months passed, and we all became very close, even though I was left out of the loop a little bit, but that couldn't be helped. I grew used to being the third wheel in some cases but it wasn’t as bad as I had been lead to believe on that one rainy day.
Usually we just hung out and watched movies I would claim the couch of heaven and they would take the futon out of it and lay on the floor together which didn’t bother me at all. Me and the couch became bosom buddies.

Though Sade and I rarely hung out with each other alone anymore when we did it was like old times just lounging around eating snacks and being stupid. Sade got accepted to the same college as Mel and I which was a nice surprise since we thought his grades were going to be low.

One day during the summer, couple weeks before we all went off to college, we sat on Sade's back porch to watch the hummingbirds, something we had been doing in the recent weeks. Sitting in silences enjoying the nice day, there was a gently breeze and the sky was cloud free.

After awhile the hummingbirds stopped coming because the artificial nectar was too low. I mentioned it not really wanting to move and Mel agreed it was low. She got out of Sade's lap and pulled at his arm. “Come on Love, lets go to the store and get some.” Sade smiled happily and got up following her.

“Well be back in a little while Adrian.” I nodded waving them off. They need their time alone, I had been here for the past couple days nonstop.

I heard the car drive off and I stayed watching the feeder for a long while. After ten minutes a large red necked male hummingbird came to the feeder and when it sat on the stand to drink, its weight made the bottom come off. What was left of the red liquid spill over the nice brown painted deck causing me to jump a bit. I got up and went to the sliding door, slipping in I shut it behind me.

Sade’s air conditioned house was a nice refreshing break from the outside temperature. I went on the couch of heaven to relax and flipped on the television out of boredom deciding to wasting my life on cartoons, because really who can deny them of an audience. I waited another hour for Sade and Mel to return but they didn't come. I sighed and started flipping channels since my cartoons were over. When I hit the news, I froze. The screen had a sliding information box above that flashed ‘Late breaking news.’ In the background there was a smashed up car and in the foreground a woman stood with her mouth to a microphone talking into it slowly as if obtaining the information as she was going.

I barely heard her because I was staring at the car that was in the crash it was all to familiar in my mind. “Just now a head on collision between a empty bus and a truck created a enormous accident although the bus was empty, other than the driver, the pickup had two passengers, we don't know there conditions as of right now but when we get the details we'll…”

I didn't hear the rest because I was out the door jumping into my old beat up car, I started the engine and rushed down to the place where they had crashed. The police were all over the place when I got there. I ignored them and rushed over to the ambulance looking desperately for either Sade or Mel.

I found Sade in the ambulance. I hopped in and went up by his face so he saw me. “Oh thank God you're alive Sade,” I whispered. He looked at me worried.

“Is Mel alright?” He asked wincing in pain cause by his wounds. I couldn’t tell what was wrong with him but he looked like he was in a lot of pain. There was a medical person in the truck who was checking everything about him.

I glanced around and saw officers talking to the bus driver…then I saw two men with a stretcher and a black body bag and I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to be the one to break the news to him but I figured it better me than some stranger.

I looked back at my best friends face and put my hand in his and cleared my throat tears in my eyes, “She’s gone Sade, it’s going to be alright I'll be here.” I watched Sade’s eyes and he used all the energy he had to watch mine. I held his hand till the medical people pushed me out and tore away in the ambulance.

I went over to the officers who were taking witness reports and they sat me down so I could give them information on Sade and Mel. I felt the lump in my throat grow as I talked and as they told me what had happen. I could barely stand when I was done.

---

A couple months later I sat with Sade on his front porch, both of us sitting quietly and content as we could be. He hadn’t said much since the accident, nor in the hospital or rehab for his broken legs. If he did say something it always had to do with Mel, how she was gone or how she had been. He’d sometimes scream for her in his sleep. I heard him when I stayed there overnight to help.

When he did say something I hadn’t wanted to hear it. He looked at me with his eyes, the eyes that had once been happy, “Adrian, Mel was my dream.” His eyes filled with tears and they slid down his face, “Adrian, I lost my dream. What's the point of living without a dream?” He whimpered out.

It was the first time I had ever seen Sade cry, tears raked through his body causing him to shutter helplessly and as he leaned on my body I wrapped my arms around him crying too. I cried for Sade, for me, and for Mel.

The next day Sade was found in his bathtub, full of blood and water. I hadn’t found him, Sade’s father had come home early to check on him see how he was. That day I not only lost Sade, but I lost my family, and my dream too.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 7:48 pm


Okay, I'm still reading this, trying to get a full workup done for you. (It may or may not be done tonight, but I will finish it tomorrow.) I'm seeing a few things that stand out right away that you might be able to work on to hone your work to perfection:

1) Watch your tenses. There are two different tenses being used in this piece: the present and the past.

Example: "I sprawled out on Sade’s couch, it was by far one of the best pieces of furniture ever made. I basically only come to his house for the couch of heaven (that’s what I call it), well not really just for that… but it is a piece of work."

Reasoning: The verbs in green are those that you begin the story with, past tense. The ones in red are present tense; they stand out because you, the narrator, seem like you are in the story "now" and not "then". This switches back and forth, and makes it confusing for readers. A verb issue is something that definitely needs to be corrected before you hand it in smile

Solution:
Pick one, read through the story, and try to catch all of the verbs that aren't quite right. If you are making it all past tense: Where you see an "is", replace it with a "was". Where you see a "have", make it a "had". If you're using present tense, write as if you are narrating everything that you are doing (as you are doing it). If it helps, read it out loud; you can often find errors that you didn't realize were hiding in there. (I do all the time!) PS: Keep in mind that your dialogue here is fine the way it is with verb tenses smile

2) Commas. I still have trouble figuring out commas, so don't panic. They are hard to figure out where they are supposed to go, and I'm working through the piece as I read it to figure it out myself before I give advice on that front. There are places, however, where you should be using semi-colons instead.

Example: "I sprawled out on Sade’s couch, it was by far one of the best pieces of furniture ever made."

Reasoning:
"I sprawled out on Sade's couch" is a complete sentence. You follow it up with "it was by far one of the best pieces of furniture ever made." (which is another complete sentence)

Solution: The comma between the two sentences should be a semi-colon. go through and see if you can find places where you used a comma, but the sentence can be split completely in half (when it doesn't rely on the other half in order to be considered a full fledged sentence on its own). Replace them all with semi-colons to give it the break you need in the phrasing.

siatara


Tsuta
Captain

PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:26 pm


sweatdrop Those are two thing I know I'm horrible at. I need to work on those gonk . I'll try and go back and check them, thank you so much for reading it (or however much you've got through so far).

Other than grammar how is it?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 7:05 pm


Sad! As far as plot goes, I think the accident flies by a little too quickly (particularly when the main character finds out about it), as does the introduction of Mel and their time together. I do have a suggestion: You introduce the story with the couch, and somewhere in the middle the main character spends much time with the couch; perhaps you can describe it more in the beginning of the story? I know it's just an object, but can be a powerful one, especially your use of it when the main character is sitting on the couch alone - those little details really stand out and can stick in readers' minds!


I actually started breaking down some nit-picking things tonight with my copy editing brain (that kind of kicks in after work, so it's not a big deal, but it is time-consuming) - meaning you'll have a fully grammar nazi-attacked work-up tomorrow, if you have time before the contest to work on it to that extent. I won't correct everything for you...(I can't in good conscious do that, you know)...but I'll definitely point you in the right direction, and hopefully help you out in your quest for verbage and semi-colons! biggrin

siatara


Tsuta
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:29 pm


Understandable, I rushed through the story because I was unsure about the length requirements. I've contacted the contest though so I will know hopefully soon. I don't have to hand it in till April 1st. I shall look over and rewrite some of the areas you suggested.

I have a question as well, originally I didn't have the very first sentence there and I'm still iffy whether I like it or not... what was your opinion on it?

This one:

"If Sade taught me anything in life... it was dreams are the reasons we live and without them our lives are meaningless. "

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you going over this with such detail whee whee .
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:43 pm


I have finished dissecting it smile And hey, good news: it was better than some of the things I got to do at work today wink

(Example from work: “Right click the building you which to add the room too and choose “add a room to this building” Enter the room name from question 2, press enter, and “click add room”.”) *sighs* The things I do for technical manuals...muha.

But I digress. I have alot of things to point out and several things to cheer about, so gimme a few to get them all down. I'm probably going to break them up into posts, so sorry if it'll get longwinded, but I really do think (and hope) it'll help you see what you can do to improve it before the contest!

siatara


Tsuta
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 7:05 pm


I'd greatly appreciate it.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 7:17 pm


Like I said before, I'm not going to fix everything for you, but I AM going to point things out. I went through it, corrected the grammar, and plugged it back into Word against the original to give me little bubbles that tell me what was changed. (It's a nifty little feature I figured out last year...and quite handy in copyediting!) Okay.

Red means we'll discuss it in a minute, I either have a change suggestion or want to point out something.
Blue means it's a comma error, either missing or in the wrong spot, or needing to be some other punctuation mark.
Green will be for verb issues.

And don't freak out or get too discouraged if it gets really colorful.......it just means I'm too picky and like pretty colors...rofl biggrin
Quote:

I'll Be By Your Side

If Sade taught me anything in life... it was dreams are the reasons we live and without them our lives are meaningless.

---

I sprawled out on Sade’s couch, it was by far one of the best pieces of furniture ever made. I basically only come to his house for the couch of heaven (that’s what I call it), well not really just for that… but it is a piece of work.

Sade was busy on the phone with his dad, who was telling him to buy a pizza because he wouldn’t be home. This was not surprising, Sade’s father rarely came home from work. Ever since Sade’s mom died a few years back he’s done nothing but working. Sade acts like he doesn’t care, and he may not, but the house is so huge and so empty. Which is why my beautiful a** is always here to keep his sorry one company.

I had known Sade for many years. He was definitely my one and only friend. I couldn’t even imagine my life without him. My life was unbearable enough as it was. My father, if I could even call him that, was as much of an alcoholic as someone can get. He had nothing sane left in him, and to my unfortunate luck he was my last living relative. I personally prefer not to consider him a father, or a family member either since in my life he has never acted like one. Sade is as close to a family member as I ever had. He was always there for me when I need him and I was always there for him when he needed me. As long as we have each other then we could face anything.

I watched Sade as he paced back and forth with his mobile in his hand staring at the ceiling in apparent annoyance to get off the phone. Sade was an impatient person. He had bright blue eyes that looked like tropical waters in Florida or something. They could calm the wildest of beasts, but they always looked distant and sad. He too like me had lost everything in his life but his father. Although his dad wasn’t nearly as bad as mine, he was never home to pay attention to Sade and I think that’s what hurt him the most. Where alcohol had consumed my father’s existence, work had consumed Sade’s dad’s existence. They say different people cope in different ways.

Many times I came over, not only to get away from my own house but to keep Sade company. I always try to bring happiness into those eyes and on rare occasions I succeeded and that made my day. Though today he didn’t look entirely as sad and distance as normal he actually looked kind of hyper which was a scary thought.

He shut his phone and then looked at me with a small smile on his face and I felt a moment of concern come over me. “What are smiling like that for?” I muttered to him.

He jumped onto the couch with me throwing his legs onto my lap and sprawling out. “Nothing.” He said quietly, then added “you just wouldn’t understand.”

I gave a grunt and pushed his legs off my lap and glared at him. Then I frowned, “Come on Sade we always tell each other everything,” I whined like a young child begging for their way, it made him grin.

Knowing I had succeeded at making him smile wider I pushed out my lower lip, and gave him the puppy dog eyes. He just stared at me for a second then started laughing. “Are you serious Adrian? Do you actually think that look works on me? And I told you that you wouldn‘t understand.”

As he grabbed his side falling into a fit of laughter I just pouted more in disgust at him for being such a jerk. He always fell for ‘the look’ and he dared act all tough now? I gave a gasped in mock offense grabbing his attention with my sudden out burst.

“How dare you insult my intellect!” I cried and he just shook his head pulling his socks on and getting up from the couch where we sat.

“Awe Sade, no don't go, please don't!” I pouted, following him to the door. “If anyone’s leaving it should be me because you’re being such a jerk!” I defended myself even with no intentions of leaving.

When he opened the door we both saw the torrential downpour. “Second thought maybe I’ll stay.” I muttered just as he sprinted off into the showering sheets of cold water to the mailbox.

I chuckled as he attempted to dodge puddles on the uneven sidewalk, he was failing miserably at it though. I waited at the door as he came dashing back into the room skidding to a halt before the carpet so he didn't get his muddy feet all over it.

“I think it's going to rain.” He declared giving me a cheeky grin, I just rolled my eyes. He was always like that stating the obvious. He pulled off his disgustingly wet socks, why he didn’t put shoes on I don’t know but I wasn’t planning to ask since; Sade was Sade without explanation.

When he stood up he walked over to the kitchen and flopped down into the chair flipping through the mail. I watched him pull one letter and then chuck the rest to the side. Intrigued I wandered over.

Whose that from?” I asked looking over his shoulder.

“It’s a letter from Mel.”

siatara


siatara

PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 7:57 pm


In retrospect, those colors took way too freakin' long to do wink I'll have to finish up the rest laters...but here are the notes for the red stuff:

1: Ever since Sade’s mom died a few years back he’s done nothing but working. Revision: Verb changes: "he did nothing" instead of "he has done nothing" and "work", not "working".

2: Sade acts like he doesn’t care, and he may not, but the house is so huge and so empty. Revision: More serious verb changes. I noticed that verbs became stable after this first chunk of the story, and I commend you for catching it smile Here you want to use "acted like he didn't care, and he may not have, but the house was...". PS: Your commas were right on target here!

3: prefer not to consider him a father, or a family member either
Revision: First, fix that verb. Second, my suggestion is to break this up, because it gets a bit confusing. Adding commas might even make it more confusing. You have two choices here to improve it: Either get rid of "or a family member either", or separate it within the sentence using parentheses or hyphens. (example: "father (or a family member either), since...")

4: He had bright blue eyes that looked like tropical waters in Florida or something. They could calm the wildest of beasts, but they always looked distant and sad. Revision: I love these sentences; you did the verbs and the commas just right, but I think it'll have greater effect in the next paragraph, when the main character is actually referring to his eyes.

5: everything
Revision: Do you really mean "everything", or do you mean "everyone"? Either way is fine, but there is a difference between them.

6: Though today he didn’t look entirely as sad and distance as normal he actually looked kind of hyper which was a scary thought. Revision: distance = distant. You need commas, and a semi-colon, somewhere in there. Don't start a sentence with "though". You can move it elsewhere in the sentence, or get rid of it, without a problem.

7: added “you
Revision: Quotes always have punctuation in front of them if there is a sentence before them. Capitalize "you" and put a comma after "added" to make that correct.

8: their way, it
Revision: Something that a lot of writers goof on is "their". You will see phrases such as "each person can have their own e-mail address!" "person" and "child" are both singular nouns. "their" is a plural pronoun. If you want to be extremely correct, it should be "each person can have his or her own e-mail address!" instead. In your case, the "child" is referring to the main character, and the gender of the pronoun should match (so use his or her, not their).

9: just
Revision: I had an English teacher once who destroyed one of my pieces...I mean, he ripped it to shreds. "Just" is one of the reasons why. (See, now you get to benefit from my mistakes...lol) Words like "really", "just", and "very" are 'fluff words'. They do nothing but add to the word count, and, like my teacher put it, "They really just don't tell me very much!" And he's right: in most cases, if you take those words out, absolutely nothing is affected. In other cases, replacing them with other descriptive words will improve a sentence. (Mind you, I still use those words in regular writing, but in story writing I hack them all out.)

10: I gave a gasped in mock offense grabbing his attention with my sudden out burst. Revision: "gasp", not "gasped", you need a comma in the middle somewhere...and "outburst" is one word.

11: I cried and he just shook his head pulling his socks on and getting up from the couch where we sat. Revision: Too many "and" in this sentence. Try splitting it into at least two, and use a couple commas smile

12: I defended myself even with no intentions of leaving. Revision: You don't need "even".

13: “Second thought maybe I’ll stay.” Revision: Read this out loud like you are actually saying it. Find the pauses or differences in phrasing and put them in here in a more natural phrase.

14: He pulled off his disgustingly wet socks, why he didn’t put shoes on I don’t know but I wasn’t planning to ask since; Sade was Sade without explanation. Revision: This was a rough sentence. The biggest issue is the semi-colon, which yes, separates a sentence out, but doesn't let the first sentence close. Both parts must be complete for a semi-colon to work. I fixed this in my version, but I'm gonna make you think about it a bit smile After what I've mentioned before, don't be afraid to use some less conventional punctuation: hyphens and parentheses can be effective if not overused! (I'd be most interested to see what you come up with...it's tough, but don't give up!)

15: flipping
Revision: Earlier in the sentence you used the word "flopped". I just think it sounds funny together.

16: whose
Revision: Whose = possessive. Who is = Who’s

----------------

And now I really must get sleep.......tomorrow I shall attempt to post the rest. (I'm sorry, and I hope you have time to wait on it...I didn't realize it would take this long to do all the silly colors that I thought were such bright ideas...lol)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:44 pm


And here is the rest...I've only marked the big spots in red...figure you've got the commas and verbs down by now...though if you need help with them, just ask! *hugs* The fact that you're taking critique so graciously says worlds about you as a writer smile

siatara


siatara

PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:02 pm


Quote:
I knew who Mel was of course, you can't be around Sade for more than a day without knowing who Mel was. When Sade moved here during middle school he had left someone behind, Mel. She was his best friend back then, and they had apparently always liked each other. I don't know if either one ever acted on it, I did know however, that Sade was head over heals in love with his dream girl. I had never met her, he sometimes went to go see here every now and then but only for a day or so. He would never take me along, I don’t know why. Always thought it was because he was embarrassed of me or something like that I mean there is no guarantee that I won’t make fun of him. If you think about it though, everyone in that situation where they meet someone through a friend always makes fun of that friend, it’s a way of bonding with the new person. Facts of life.

Thinking somewhat fast I grabbed the letter out of his hands and held it above his head reading it to myself as he practically climbed on me to get to it. I snorted as I finished, “Love Mel? Love Mel!” I cocked an eyebrow and looked at him as he stopped trying to get the letter. Letting go of my arm he blushed, something that was so cute.

“When'd she fall in love with you?" I said jokingly.

He glared for a split second then said, “When we were on vacation last month, she's transferring here so we can be together.” He looked happy at that one moment and I knew there was no way anyone could have ever dampened his mood. He hadn’t even told me that she had went on that vacation with her as well as his dad.

I bit my tongue to stop from complain to him, instead I handed him back his love letter and wandered back to the couch of heaven where I slumped down and this time I sprawled out on it.

Sade came over a couple seconds later and sat on the floor leaning on the couch. “Don’t be a grump cause I didn’t tell you about the vacation.” That comment made me stop staring off and look into his eyes, he knew me too well sometimes it was scary.

“I’m not.” I said quietly trying to think of a way to avoid the conversation that was coming up about me being nice to her blah blah blah. “So when is she coming? Are you actually going to let me meet her?” I asked a second later just as he opened his mouth.

He smirked and then said, “Of course she's going to be going to our school so it would be really hard for me to hide her from you. Even though I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can." I glared at him and he stuck his tongue out at me.

I chuckled at the sight of his complete immaturity but then again I could be incredibly immature too. I looked at him seriously and said, “Hey if your in love with her there is not much I can do anyways right?”

“Right,” came his quiet reply, then he said “She’s coming next week.”

“Oh, so soon?” I questioned trying to hide my disappointment. I was going to have to start sharing Sade and that was something I didn’t know if I could do very well.

“We've known for awhile.” He stated. That stung, we told each other everything, and he hadn't told me any of this. I guess things were going to start changing which was a scary thought since I had no one else but Sade.

“Are you not going to want me to hang around anymore?” I asked, hoping he wouldn't say yes; I didn't really have anywhere else to go.

“No, you can come around the same as you usually do.” I nodded avoiding his gaze. This was the beginning of the end I thought. I guess when next week rolled around I would find out if everything was going to change for better or for worse. Somehow I had a feeling it wouldn’t be too bad despite everything.

“I'm not going to walk in on anything right?” I teased him trying to lighten the mood, he grinned at me.

“Like you would care if you did.” I smirked at him he was so right.

“Good point, I've got to get going though or else my old man is going to skin me.” He nodded and walked me to the door. The rain was still falling pretty hard, as I threw on my shoes and walked out into the downpour waving at him. I started to jog passed his black pick up truck towards my house wondering why I hadn't drove my car over. Stupid me, I guess.

As I ran with the rain hitting my face making it feel like hail, I thought, would things really change when Mel came? Would Sade change? Maybe he would be happier. Something I wished only I managed to do for him since he always does so much for me. I continued running letting my mind wander to every thought about the new situation that was arising.

I arrived at my house a short while after and I opened the mailbox that was hanging loosely from the outside wall. Flipping though the letters while standing in the rain, I came across a large envelope and glanced at the sender. I almost screamed in joy. It was from the college I applied to. I ran to my small porch and ripped open the envelope, I had gotten in on a scholarship. I shoved the papers back into the envelope, receiving a nasty paper cut. Even as the blood dripped down my finger I wasn't bothered by it; I was going to college. I was getting out of this house, nothing could ruin this.

I walked in quietly hoping my father wasn't awake. Wandering to the kitchen I rummaged under the sink for a Band-Aid. Finding one, I put it on my paper cut then turned around to get up. I was stopped by a massive obstacle. I could smell the liquor on his breath from the floor where I knelt. I could see the bottle of beer in his hand and I wished I was anywhere but there.

Moving as quick as I could I dodged passed him grabbed my envelope from the old table and dashed down the hall and into my room locking the door behind me.
I heard glass shattering in the kitchen and I was so glad I was out of there. Looking down at the envelope in my hands, I flopped onto my bed and let out a huge sigh. Why couldn't I have a normal family? That's all I ever wanted, and the closest thing to family I had was Sade.
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:12 pm


Quote:
A week later Mel arrived nothing really changed. I still made frequent visits to get away from my house. Mel was very cool, she was just Sade's type: quiet, calm, nice and very pretty.
Soon enough months passed, and we all became very close, even though I was left out of the loop a little bit, but that couldn't be helped. I grew used to being the third wheel in some cases but it wasn’t as bad as I had been lead to believe on that one rainy day.
Usually we just hung out and watched movies I would claim the couch of heaven and they would take the futon out of it and lay on the floor together which didn’t bother me at all. Me and the couch became bosom buddies.

Though Sade and I rarely hung out with each other alone anymore when we did it was like old times just lounging around eating snacks and being stupid. Sade got accepted to the same college as Mel and I which was a nice surprise since we thought his grades were going to be low.

One day during the summer, couple weeks before we all went off to college, we sat on Sade's back porch to watch the hummingbirds, something we had been doing in the recent weeks. Sitting in silences enjoying the nice day, there was a gently breeze and the sky was cloud free.

After awhile the hummingbirds stopped coming because the artificial nectar was too low. I mentioned it not really wanting to move and Mel agreed it was low. She got out of Sade's lap and pulled at his arm. “Come on Love, lets go to the store and get some.” Sade smiled happily and got up following her.

Well be back in a little while Adrian.” I nodded waving them off. They need their time alone, I had been here for the past couple days nonstop.

I heard the car drive off and I stayed watching the feeder for a long while. After ten minutes a large red necked male hummingbird came to the feeder and when it sat on the stand to drink, its weight made the bottom come off. What was left of the red liquid spill over the nice brown painted deck causing me to jump a bit. I got up and went to the sliding door, slipping in I shut it behind me.

Sade’s air conditioned house was a nice refreshing break from the outside temperature. I went on the couch of heaven to relax and flipped on the television out of boredom deciding to wasting my life on cartoons, because really who can deny them of an audience. I waited another hour for Sade and Mel to return but they didn't come. I sighed and started flipping channels since my cartoons were over. When I hit the news, I froze. The screen had a sliding information box above that flashed ‘Late breaking news.’ In the background there was a smashed up car and in the foreground a woman stood with her mouth to a microphone talking into it slowly as if obtaining the information as she was going.

siatara


siatara

PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:16 pm


Quote:

I barely heard her because I was staring at the car that was in the crash it was all to familiar in my mind. “Just now a head on collision between a empty bus and a truck created a enormous accident although the bus was empty, other than the driver, the pickup had two passengers, we don't know there conditions as of right now but when we get the details we'll…”

I didn't hear the rest because I was out the door jumping into my old beat up car, I started the engine and rushed down to the place where they had crashed. The police were all over the place when I got there. I ignored them and rushed over to the ambulance looking desperately for either Sade or Mel.

I found Sade in the ambulance. I hopped in and went up by his face so he saw me. “Oh thank God you're alive Sade,” I whispered. He looked at me worried.

“Is Mel alright?” He asked wincing in pain cause by his wounds. I couldn’t tell what was wrong with him but he looked like he was in a lot of pain. There was a medical person in the truck who was checking everything about him.

I glanced around and saw officers talking to the bus driver…then I saw two men with a stretcher and a black body bag and I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to be the one to break the news to him but I figured it better me than some stranger.

I looked back at my best friends face and put my hand in his and cleared my throat tears in my eyes, “She’s gone Sade, it’s going to be alright I'll be here.” I watched Sade’s eyes and he used all the energy he had to watch mine. I held his hand till the medical people pushed me out and tore away in the ambulance.

I went over to the officers who were taking witness reports and they sat me down so I could give them information on Sade and Mel. I felt the lump in my throat grow as I talked and as they told me what had happen. I could barely stand when I was done.
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:18 pm


Quote:
A couple months later I sat with Sade on his front porch, both of us sitting quietly and content as we could be. He hadn’t said much since the accident, nor in the hospital or rehab for his broken legs. If he did say something it always had to do with Mel, how she was gone or how she had been. He’d sometimes scream for her in his sleep. I heard him when I stayed there overnight to help.

When he did say something I hadn’t wanted to hear it. He looked at me with his eyes, the eyes that had once been happy, “Adrian, Mel was my dream.” His eyes filled with tears and they slid down his face, “Adrian, I lost my dream. What's the point of living without a dream?” He whimpered out.

It was the first time I had ever seen Sade cry, tears raked through his body causing him to shutter helplessly and as he leaned on my body I wrapped my arms around him crying too. I cried for Sade, for me, and for Mel.

The next day Sade was found in his bathtub, full of blood and water. I hadn’t found him, Sade’s father had come home early to check on him see how he was. That day I not only lost Sade, but I lost my family, and my dream too.

siatara


siatara

PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 8:06 pm


And now I'll wrap it up with comments here....again, really sorry this took so long stressed I'm stressing about the house thing too much, methinks.

1. I did know however, that Sade was head over heals
Rev: Move "however" to the beginning of the phrase, and change "heals" to "heels".

2. I had never met her, he sometimes went to go see here every now and then but only for a day or so.
Rev: "here" should be "her". Using "every now and then" and "only for a day or so" in the same sentence sounds too vague. You could say that he never visited for long, or he visited on weekends...use something more specific.

3. Always thought it was because he was embarrassed of me or something like that I mean there is no guarantee that I won’t make fun of him.
Rev: Begin the sentence with "I" and break up the run-on with commas. You could also break it into two sentences. Change "won't" to "wouldn't".

4. she had went on that vacation with her as well as his dad.
Rev: Use "had gone" instead of "went". Also, she's already going, so you don't need to mention her twice. Take out "with her" and "as well as", you don't need it.

5. complain
Rev: Should be "complaining".

6. instead I handed him back his love letter and wandered back to the couch of heaven where I slumped down and this time I sprawled out on it.
Rev: Too long. Add commas. I'd also suggest making a new sentence out of "This time, I sprawled out on it." Your character is being lazy at this moment, so slow down the action just a smidge.

7. your
Rev: "your" is possessive pronoun, "you're" means "you are".

8. guess when next
Rev: "guessed" and add a "the" before "next".

9. passed
Rev: "passed" and "past" are tricky. Here, you want to use "past". "jogged" and "passed" are both action verbs, and you shouldn't stack them. I can't really come up with a better way to explain that tonight.......pick my brain some morning when it's not so late smile

10. pick up
Rev: For a truck, "pickup" or "pick-up" is just one word.

11. drove
Rev: Definitely use "driven" here.

12. happier. Something I wished only I managed
Rev: Think carefully about what you want to say here. Do you mean that the character wishes that she could make him smile ("If only I could just make him smile!") or that she was the only one who could make him smile?

13. paper cut
Rev: It's in the paragraph before it, too. One word.

14. Moving as quick as I could I dodged passed him grabbed my envelope from the old table and dashed down the hall and into my room locking the door behind me.
Rev: Here, unlike before, the character nearly justifies the lack of comma brakes. If you don't feel like it needs to be broken out into full sentences, throw some commas in to separate each individual action. It may be frantic, but the punctuation needs to corral it into an orderly rush. Also, use "past" not "passed".

15. as I had been lead to believe
Rev: No one led the character to believe anything but what she was thinking...Sade reassured her that nothing would change.

16. I would claim the couch of heaven and they would take the futon out of it and lay on the floor
Rev: Get rid of the first "and". Replace with comma. Here is another place for that couch to really shine in the story.

17. summer, couple
Rev: Missing words: "summer, a couple of"

18. gently
Rev: "gently" tells HOW the wind was blowing. "gentle", on the other hand, tells WHAT the wind was.

19. lets
Rev: This should be "let's" (short for "let us").

20. Well
Rev: This could be correct, depending on what you wanted. It may need to be changed to "We'll" (short for "we will").

21. After ten minutes a large red necked male hummingbird came to the feeder and when it sat on the stand to drink, its weight made the bottom come off.
Rev: This I have a big problem with. The other stuff is just minor nicks in the grammar, but this is an obvious hole. Unless, of course, you've actually seen this happen, in which case, I need to know what's in that food! biggrin 1) I have never seen a hummingbird feeder with a perch. 2) Hummingbirds hover. They never land...they buzz around like bees - (backwards, forwards, up, and straight down like a helicopter). 3) If a hummingbird ever did land, they're only a little heavier than a couple of flower petals..."weight" is not a word I'd associate with them. It'd be more believable if that "gentle" wind from earlier suddenly became harsher, enough to knock the feeder around enough to cause the spill. (Hummingbirds just don't carry the dramatic effect that you need here.) I do, however, love how you used the crash used to signify the change in the dramatic sense of the story - the climax! The character doesn't know it yet, but the red liquid on the porch tells the reader that something bad is on the way...very awesomely done!!!

22. car
Rev: Here and in the next paragraph you need to use truck - that's what Sade was driving!
Reply
Library: West Wing [prose]

Goto Page: 1 2 [>] [»|]
 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//