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 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:57 pm
I would like to know what you think of my story..so far. >< It's pretty long. xDDD; And this is only the first chapter. D=
Anywhooo, critique it? Tell me your thoughts? And I'll loovveeee jooo!! <33
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PROLOGUE
They lived in a land called Lartheria. Lartheria was much like Earth, except the people of this land? They held power, a very unique power each one held. Each "human" had power within them, whether it be able to call either of the four elements, or to become invisible, or maybe even to blend into your backgrounds. These powers were supposed to bring peace and make Latheria the most envied planet in the solar system however, the opposite happened.
Lartheria was the most feared planet, one of the reasons being that other creatures were scared of the powers that were held by our "humans". The main reason though was because of the constant war raging within the planet.
People say that the war started from people fighting over who should rule over who because of their power being "stronger" than the other one. Other people say that a group may have disagreed with the government and broke off, forming another "country" of their own. However the reason, the whole planet was split into four sections and still is today. The four sections envied the others for their power, technology, environment, and other reasons that people did not even question to think might have been petty. People were placed into the four sections based on their power and their mind.
Selas was the land of immense wealth, yet the authorities could not control their people, the opposite of Wileth. While Wileth was the section that was the poorest out of the four, their government was the strongest out of the four sections. Vinmata's people believed in preserving their environment so while their technology was slow, products that came from Vinmeta was wanted by the other three sections. The last section was Artulio, the land of technology. While the war was going on, the land of Selas and Wileth made an agreement to join forces to fight Vinmeta and Artulio, who had joined forces as well. Each section planned to use the others for their own benefit and when they were done, to destroy that section and make it their own.
Many families were separated because of these four sections. Families battled each other, killed each other not even knowing that it might have been their brother, mother, or father he had just killed. Would it have stopped the bloodshed if they had known before they sunk their blade into another man's body?
No one would know or no one had enough courage to try and stop the bloodshed.
But what happens when a girl is born, a girl that happens to have all of the four elements in her power? Well...she's wanted by the four sections for their own use. Wileth, Selas, Artulio, and Vinmeta agree that she would be guarded by four soldiers, one from each of their own sections until the age of 19, where she shall choose whose group she wants to belong to...
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:00 pm
VERY LONG POST. Sorry. ><
Chapter One
"Impossible! How could I possible have lost?" Tyne grimaced, looking at the three who sat at the table with her. Devlin smirked, who sat across from her and sympathizing at what she would have to do.
"Bets are bets. You have to clean the house and do the shopping instead of me," Adonis grinned at her, standing up from his chair and stretching. "Sure am glad that you took the bet," He laughed, feeling amazed when she had taken the bet earlier, even though she was very bad at the game of cards they were playing.
Tyne rolled her eyes, waving her hands to shoo Adonis before he would try to make another bet with her to take over [all of his shopping days. She turned over to Damil, his eyebrows scrunched together as he gazed at the pile of cards in the center of the table to the cards in his hand and back again.
She tilted her chair closer to Damil, wondering why he still had cards in his hand. “We’re…done with the game already, Damil. The bet was either me or Adonis had to win,” Tyne spoke slowly, glancing outside the window to see when she would have to go to the marketplace and do the shopping for their weekly food.
Adonis yawned, leaning over Damil as well. “He’s probably trying to figure out how he couldn’t have won just like he does every time we play a game of cards.”
“It’s because you always cheat, Adonis,” Damil said dryly, continuing to glance at his cards and the pile. He pursed his lips, picking up two cards from the pile, and spreading out the rest of the deck.
“Right here!” Damil put his finger on the two cards that didn’t match with the rest of the pile. “You cheated right here! That’s how you won. If you didn’t cheat, Tyne would have won. Eventually.” He added as an afterthought.
Devlin laughed from across the table, picking up an almond from the bowl of nuts and raisons and stuffing it into his mouth. “What do you think about that, Nasim? Should Adonis go shopping for cheating? Since he hates it so much, it’d be a good punishment, or Tyne and Adonis could play all over again, with us watching Adonis to see he doesn’t cheat. What do you think about that?” He twisted his head around, glancing towards the couch to hear a grunt in reply.
The five of them, Tyne Ambrose, Devlin Sparster, Adonis Crealan, Damil Myriat, and Nasim Xaleap lived together in a small cottage just south of Wileth, east of Vinmeta, placing them in Artulio, Damil’s homeland. Adonis was the youngest, only three years older than Tyne who was eighteen years old. Devlin was a year older than Adonis but a year younger than Damil and Namis.
“Forget it, I’ll just do the shopping since the market should be open by now and Adonis doesn’t know how to pick the fruits and vegetables,” Tyne frowned, shoving Adonis, “You’ll have to do my shopping when it’s my turn.” She stood up from her chair, walking to the kitchen and grabbing some money from a jar that was hidden behind some spices in a cabinet.
As she walked towards the door, she wasn’t surprised to find Damil right behind her. “Will you ever let me do my own shopping? I mean, all of you guys get to go shopping on your own, and yet I have to suffer this-this guarding!” Damil smirked, opening the door for her to go outside.
“The only reason we follow you while you go shopping is because you’re even worse than Adonis when picking fruits and vegetables. I need to get some flour and eggs as well,” Nasim said who had gotten up from the couch and stood behind Damil, waiting for him to get out of the door first.
The three of them soon reached market, Nasim going on his own way toward the store that sold flour and all of the baking material he needed to make his pastries while Damil led Tyne towards fruit, vegetable, and meat stands.
The market place was full of bustling Artulio people, greeting each other cordially while their children scuttled around their mother’s dresses, hiding behind it to avoid having to greet anybody. Husbands guarded their wives, eyes suspiciously always roaming to see who they didn’t recognize.
“This is how you pick cucumbers. Do you understand Tyne? Make sure that both ends are not uneven and the middle shouldn’t be too fat or else it will have lots of seeds,” Tyne nodded distantly, glancing around the marketplace, not paying attention to what Damil said. “Forget it. You’re not even paying attention,” He said disgustedly, tugging on her hand after buying some cucumbers and moving to the next stand to do the same thing.
“Oh! Tyne is almost nineteen years old now, aren’t you dear? How many more days? A week, two weeks?” The fruit seller, Mrs. Sidra, stood in front of them, glancing around to make sure that nobody stole anything from her stand.
“Five,” Tyne muttered, dreading the moment when she would turn nineteen. To turn nineteen would mean that the four whom she lived with would turn mean towards each other, each trying to win her affection. She pulled on Damil’s sleeve, flicking her eyes towards the exit of the market place where she could see Nasim. “I’m going to go to Nasim and wait with him at the exit, Damil.”
As she walked towards the exit, she closed her eyes, trying to shut out the image of people staring at her, whispering to each other that she was the girl. The girl who held all four elements within her power, something that has never happened before and that she was the girl who appeared from nowhere. Tyne didn’t know where she came from either and for that, she was grateful. To be used against other people as a weapon, to be a murderer! She shuddered, shaking her head to rid the thoughts, causing her silky black hair to swish around her shoulders.
“What’s your problem?” Tyne greeted Nasim, turning around to glance where he had his eyes, like sea-green, focused on. Without taking his eyes off the meat stand, he grabbed her hand with his left, while his right hand went to the nine inch dirk strapped to his waist. A small weapon compared to the Great sword he had in his room that he shared with Devlin.
She scowled, pulling her arm out of his grasp but still following him, curious to see what was the argument was about, happening in front of the meat stand. The owner, Mr. Sheedam wielded the audience like an experience entertainer; waving him arm around crazily, using his voice as a weapon as he sliced the man’s reputation who stood before him, shaking his head back and forth, denying that he stole anything.
“This, this beast stole from me! He tried to take this very expensive pork from me. But I caught him! Look at his face! He’s not from here! He is probably from that blasted land, Wileth!” Mr. Sheedam spitted out the last word, as if it was acid on his tongue. The crowd that he had gathered pushed forward, eagerly waiting to see what would happen next.
Mr. Sheedam hurriedly ran behind his meat stand to grab something before returning back to where he had stood before with nothing in his hands, yet the crowd knew better, eyes anxiously on the bulge under his shirt proving that he had a weapon concealed.
“You monster! How could you steal from me? Haven’t you stolen enough! You’ve taken away my daughter, my son, and now my brother! I’ll make you pay! You and all of Wileth!” The man was crazy, his hair is disarray from swinging his head to and fro to make sure that he had everyone’s attention.
As his screaming continued, the crowd pushed and shoved each other to get a closer view at the murder that about to happen. With a final scream, he revealed the bayonet hidden beneath his shirt and pulled it out. “Revenge! Revenge for what you did to me and everybody else!” He ran towards the man who stood in his place, his eyes riveted on the bayonet, shocked.
A blur pushed past the crowd, shoving people out of its way. The blur, who turned out to be Nasim threw him and the shocked man to the ground, narrowly missing the bayonet. “Are you crazy? When you see a damn dagger being thrown at you, you run like the wind! What’s wrong with you man?” Nasim said roughly, shaking the guy he held underneath him, hoping to knock some common sense into him
“You, you-You saved me! Thank you, thank you! I’m so glad that another man from Wileth is here with me! Thank you so much!” The man stuttered, tears of relief forming. Nasim lips curled in disgust, standing up to look at Mr. Sheedam, held by Damil.
“Why? Why didn’t you let me kill him! He murdered my family! The b*****d took away everything from me! He deserves to die,” Mr. Sheedam gasped, tears coursing down his face as he tried to free himself from Damil’s grasp on his arms.
“Stop it!” Tyne shrieked, pushing her way through the crowd who started to make way from her as they noticed who it was. She marched towards Mr. Sheedam, her hands balled up in a fist, glaring fiercely up at Mr. Sheedam who stood a good five inches taller than her. “Who,” Her voice came out strangled, full of the anger she felt, “Do you think you are to decide who lives and who dies? Do you even think before you talk, Mr. Sheedam?” Tyne’s eyes dared him to answer her. Dared her to tell him that the man from Wileth deserved to die.
Shaking her head disgustedly, she turned away from him who remained quiet and un-moving in Damil’s grasp. Tyne turned towards the crowd; eyes scrunched together and lips tight. The crowd looked down, avoiding her eyes and muttering to each other, scurrying to go back to their own business. Disappointment showed in her eyes, and she turned around, shoulders slumped.
“Release him, Damil. They all pretend that nothing has happened.”
The police of Artulio was just like the land of Selas, always around, but never there to stop something. Instead, the people used the police to their advantage. If someone who had sneaked in from another land to possibly reunite with their family who had just gotten split, they would try to see them.
Only to be turned away by their own family because of their powers. Thus, the man who had visited would be hurt enough to promise revenge on their own family. This happened all over Lartheria and kept the bloodshed and war continuing.
The three of them walked back to the cottage where Adonis and Devlin were waiting in quiet. This was just like any other market day. Everyday there would be some fight and people accusing each other over who was a trespasser. Of course, the fight would be led into the town’s arena, a place built specially for these kinds of fights that Lartheria loved. Fights where people would use their powers on each other, trying to see who was more powerful. The fight arena was the people’s entertainment. Husbands would hurry home from work, leading their family to the arena and trying to bet on who would win.
“Nice work, Nasim. If it weren’t for you, I’m sure that man you saved would probably have no head,” Damil joked as soon as they saw the cottage in view. Nasim only grunted, raising an eyebrow at Damil.
“The fool could’ve saved himself. Most people of Wileth have the power to move like the wind. The ability is very useful to pick-pocket and other things as well,” Nasim winked at Tyne before he himself disappeared only to soon reappear at the entrance of the cottage where he walked in, not waiting for Tyne and Damil.
Muttering a curse, Damil took hold of Tyne’s hand with the hand that wasn’t holding the bag of groceries and led her to the cottage. When Tyne and Damil walked in through the door, Tyne’s eyes moved towards the table where they had played the game of cards before. Devlin, Adonis, and Nasim sat around the table, their brooding thoughts showing on their face as they gazed at what lay upon the table.
On top of the table lay four letters each one sealed with a different color wax to show the emblem of that land. Tyne’s eyes widened, biting her lip. Taking a deep breath, she walked to the table slowly to sit down, glaring at the letters, willing them to go away.
Alas, her powers did not work that way.
She lifted her hand, telling her hand to stop shaking and slowly picked up one of the creamy letter. “When did…these come in?” She asked, her voice a whisper.
“About thirty minutes after we left, the letters came although that seems quite unlikely. The three of us would have seen the messengers on our way towards the market,” Nasim explained, picking up the letter that came from Wileth, its emblem showing a great axe with thunder striking it. He lifted an eyebrow, silently asking if he could open the letter that came from his country.
“Go ahead, Nasim. Each of you guys take the letter from your country and read it. It’s probably the annual ball invitation,” She waved her hand tiredly, resting her head on her arms. She had promised herself at the age of fifteen when the first letter came that each year she would go to a different ball. When she turned fifteen, she went to the one in Artulio, too young to move anywhere and the four guards who were supposed to be guarding her not good enough yet.
The second ball she ever attended was in Vinmeta, held for her sixteenth birthday and the one in Wileth, she celebrated for her seventeenth birthday. Last year she had gone to Selas, Devlin’s homeland, to celebrate her eighteenth birthday and the celebration that all four of her guards were officially knights.
This year, for her nineteenth birthday, she would have to choose which land she would want to celebrate her nineteenth birthday. The land that she would choose would seem that it was the land she promised herself to. The country she would fight for. Tyne groaned, shaking her head back and forth in her arms.
“I can’t handle this right now,” She muttered in her arms, peeking out through her arms to see all four of them looking at her anxiously, each one asking which country she was going to attend. “You guys can wipe off that disgustingly anxious face you each have. I don’t know which one yet,” She suddenly felt like laughing hideously at their crestfallen faces. “I’m going to go and start training while you guys brood over this.”
~*~*~
Sweat dripped down her face as she stood against the wall, trying to catch her breath. Tyne had been practicing for over an hour yet Devlin who stood in the center of the room didn’t even look in the bit tired. Sword fighting was not one of her talents while it was Devlin’s talent, his love.
“Come on. Once more, Tyne.” Devlin wore no armor, just a white button shirt tucked in his trousers. “We barely even warmed up, yet you’re worn out,” Devlin said disgustingly.
Just the thing to say to her to get her angry.
With a growl, she pushed herself off the wall, wiped her brow and stood with her legs apart and her wafter held two-handed, ready for Devlin’s move. When he didn’t move but instead mimicked her, she decided to move.
Tyne quickly moved into an offensive position before bringing her dulled wooden blade down to hopefully hit his shoulder. Devlin brought his blade up, blocking her move and parried back, pushing her slowly back as she continued to block his wafter from giving her any more bruises.
Tyne’s muscles ached from the impact of each blow that Devlin caused her hands vibrating with each attack. When she finally saw an open that she knew Devlin purposely put open, she lunged for it.
“You don’t actually think I’d leave an open spot for you to attack do you, Tyne Ambrose?” Devlin grinned, blocking her move.
“An open is an open,” She growled back, pushing harder on her wafter to push him back. Devlin’s eyes sparkled and amusement lit his eyes. He pushed back on his wafter and soon both of them were pushing each other, trying to see which one could go back the farthest.
Tyne shook her head, feeling sweat drip down her forehead as she tried to shake it away. A stupid move. Devlin hurriedly pushed her sword away before swinging downward on her left leg. Before she knew what happened, Tyne was on the floor, her hands grabbing her left leg in pain, worrying about the bruise that was starting to appear.
“Oh my, I believe you lost a leg,” Devlin smirked, sitting down next to her, with a towel in his hand to wipe away the sweat from his forehead. He breathed hard, his chest moving up and down. Swiping impatiently at the blonde locks, Devlin fingered the wooden wafter with his other hand.
“Shut up, Devlin,” She gasped, grinning at Devlin. “Do you think I’m getting any better?” He smirked, standing up to give her a hand up. She grabbed it, walking outside of the practice room, wincing when she felt the bruise throb. “I think you might have hit a bit too hard,” Tyne muttered, hoping that Damil was somewhere close to the entering door of the cottage and would heal the bruise for her.
“That’s why you have Mariat to heal that bruise for you. Unlike me,” He frowned, looking down at her. She scowled, hitting the only bruise she caused on his shoulder, hard. He winced, rubbing his shoulder. “Brat.”
“Freak.”
“Meanie.”
“Freak.”
“Can’t you come up with anything better than ‘freak,’ Tyne?” He patted her head sadly, muttering something under his breath about how stupid she was. Another jab came from Tyne and another wince from Devlin before they finally reached the cottage door.
“Little miss Ambrose needs some healing on her bruise,” Devlin said as a greeting when he saw Damil. He started to walk away to go change when Tyne pulled on his shirt and wouldn’t let go.
“Bruise? Don’t you mean bruise-SSSSS? You stupid freak,” Devlin’s lips twitched before he turned around, smothering his laughter.
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Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:20 pm
burning_eyes I'm sorry, but that red is really hard to read. Could you put it back to the default black?
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:21 pm
LMFAO! So sorry. >< Is that better now? ^^
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 4:05 pm
^^ Thank you. The red was practically eye burning. I'll be sure to read this now.
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