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Nutkin, A Modern Day Hitler

There can be no doubt that squirrels are the greatest menace ever to face humankind. They make Hitler look like Mary Poppins. Years of in-breeding and civil war have created a race of insane (though cute) rodents, all waiting for the signal to rise up and take over the planet.

However, it would be rash to judge all squirrels on the same level. Just like humans, there are different races of squirrel. It would not be considered fair to say that the Welsh started World War Two, and so it is with the bushy-tailed ones.

In England (and, indeed, across the British Isles and Europe) there was only one kind of squirrel for many years. The humble red, devoted to a life of eating nuts and hibernating, went about his business for centuries without fuss or trouble.

This all began to change from 1492 onwards. After Columbus landed in the West Indies, a steady stream of trans-Atlantic traffic led to the development of trade with North America. It was only a matter of time before America's native squirrel, the dreaded gray, hitched a lift across the pond and landed in post-plague Europe.

Once on the continent, the gray began it's quest for global domination. First it attacked the red's food supply, then it attacked the reds themselves, forcing them out of their habitats and taking their breeding partners.

Bye the mid twentieth century, all but a few of Britain's reds had been eradicated. With their main barrier destroyed, the grays could begin to plot their attacks on human kind. Their are parallels with modern warfare- with air supremacy in place, the Allies could launch the ground war in the gulf. With all the west's high-tech weaponry, we may believe we thought of it first, but the squirrels are always one step ahead of us.

As you read this, they are amassing an arsenal of weapons to equal anything the US and USSR created at the height of the cold war. Half the reason for them biting into wires and cables is to hack into the US defense computer. They will use human's own weapons against us! When the signal is given by their leader, known only as Squirrel Nutkin, it will already be too late for us to fight back. And to slow any reaction that may be mustered, the grays are currently chewing through phone lines and power cables - with no power and no communications, the enemy will be able to conquer us in no time at all.

So what can we expect once the squirrels are in charge? They will use their secret weather machine to make it autumn all year round, thus ensuring a constant supply of fallen acorns for them to feed their armies. The resulting climate change would destroy masses of natural life, but they do not care. They are ruthless in their pursuit of knowledge and power, and will not let a simple thing like nature or the environment get in the way. When the squirrels want something, they take it, with no thought for the consequences. Objections and dissent are not permitted - Squirrels who think their leaders are doing the wrong thing are branded "human huggers" and mocked on squirrel sites via networked PCs. Oh yes. They have their own internet. Access for non-squirrels is hard, but I have seen one site. It is called SAHRM (Squirrels Against Human Rights Madness), and features page after page of anti-human propaganda, aimed at advancing the cause of the squirrel conquest.

Those humans that survive the nuclear holocaust caused by the furry blighters will wish they had not. Any people (or other animals) who remain alive will be treated as a lower form of life, be mistreated by young squirrels who will keep us as pets, and be used to test new squirrel cosmetics (even though human anatomy is very different to that of squirrels).

There is no doubt that this conquest must be stopped. "But" you ask "how can we fight back when their armies are already so well organized and so well armed?" It will be hard, but there are several possible plans.

The first was created by Nelson Muntz, principal bully on "The Simpsons". His fourth-grade science project was named "Wasting Squirrels With BB Guns." If all the worlds people were armed with an air gun, they could pick off squirrels one by one. However, this plan is fatally flawed. When Nutkin sees what is happening (and we will never get him - he is hidden in a secret bunker, far from the battle fields where he sends his squirrels into war), he will launch the attack early. Although not fully prepared, the squirrels will have caused sufficient disruption with their wire-cutting antics to seize power swiftly.

The second plan is to launch an all-out attack on the worlds squirrels with thermo-nuclear and chemical weapons. This would destroy many squirrels (though the mighty Nutkin would no doubt escape), but would almost certainly destroy the entire human race.

Perhaps the best plan is to run a kind of Guerilla Warfare, with small attacks here and there. By destroying one habitat at a time, by poisoning one squirrel at a time, by shooting just a few every week, the front-line of squirrel warfare could be eradicated without Nutkin's suspicions being aroused.

There can be no doubt that the squirrels are out to get us. But as long as we prepare ourselves and know our targets, we should be able to defeat the furry menace before it is too late. Thank you for your time.

Alex, Studying for a BA (hons) in Squirrel Warfare (with a bit of Journalism Studies on the side)
Sheffield University, England



Please realize this for the humour it is.
It is meant as a comedy and not something to be listened to.