Quote:
Dear Diary,
He's amazing. His name is Ryan, and I love him. You know I'm in high school, just went to my orientation today, and he was there. I've felt this way about him for about three years now, even though I've never told you, and it's killing me.
He's amazing, like I said. Not only is he georgous, but he's a genuinely good guy. He has the most beautiful eyes. They're rich, chocolate brown, and they just... shine.
He has a girlfriend. It really hurts when he's sitting/standing with her and giving her the smile. You know, the one that pretty much everyone has, but only a few people get it, and it's rare, but it's... more beautiful than words can decribe. I want to cry every time it happens. He loves her, I can see it, and it hurts like hell to watch them together. They aren't picky about where they decide to show their affection for each other, either. We'll be standing outside, and they'll be wrapped in each other's arms, smiling, kissing... It hurts more than anything I've ever felt.
When he's around me, talking to me, I have eyes for no one else. He's the only thing that matters right then. I don't think he knows, either. I've told him, but he avoids me now. A while ago, he started talking to me a bit again, and I think he may have forgotten. I've tried telling him, but every time I go to him, thinking he's single, about to try, here he comes with a new girlfriend, and my hopes get crushed again.
I lie in bed at night and stare at the ceiling, afraid to close my eyes because he always manages to show up in my dreams.
One of the worst things about it is that I know that he'll probably never feel the same way. And sometimes, when people ask if I could have anything in the world I wanted what would it be, I almost say his name-- and then don't, not because I don't want them to know, but because I want him to be happy, even if it means I won't be.
So, this summer, I thought I was over him-- I wished it with all my heart. It worked, until today. I saw him, and fell head over heels all over again. And it hurts. More than I want to say.
So I'm stuck in a rut, wishing but not wishing at the same time, because I know he wouldn't be happy for me, even though I would do anything for him.
At this point, I've pretty much lost all hope for love, and I care, but I don't, you know? If I were to drop dead tomorrow, I really wouldn't care. And that's the honest truth.
Knowing this, I feel... like a new person. It's all coming together in my life, it seems, high school, and new friends, a chance to start over, but at the same time I'm falling apart. I want to crawl into a hole and die sometimes. Sometimes I want to go out, walking in the moonlight.
Of course I can't, because of my parents, but sometimes I sit outside in my backyard and just stare up at the moon, and think about where I would go if I could. I would walk out of this neighborhood, down the street, around the corner. Now I'd be walking next to the main road. I'd keep walking, across a bridge over the st johns river. Now I'm still walking, and I pass here on my bus every day. I'm walking, and My feet aren't tired yet, which is weird, because I would have thought they would be by now. I walk to the west side of town. I pull out my cell phone and go to my names. I scroll down, to the twenty-seventh name on my list.
And then, if I was not a total coward, I'd push the call button. I would talk to him, hear his low, smooth voice. I'd just listen to him talk, and I'd keep walking, walking until I found a certian house. I don't know how I'll know, but I'll know what house is the right one. His car will be sitting there, and I won't know how I'll know it's his, but I will. And I'll just stare at his house for a few minutes. I'll see his little sister's sillhouette... gosh, she must be five now. She's getting so big. And Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll see him, staring out his window into the night, probably talking to her on the phone. And I'll know it. I don't know how, but I will. So he'll look out the window, but he won't see me, because I'm invisible to him now.
I'll turn around, and I'll walk almost home. Almost, but not quite. First I'll stop, talk to my friend, and he'll make me feel better. He'll see into my heart like he does, and I'll leave smiling. And I'll go back home. Later I'll be staring at my ceiling, thinking of them both, wondering what to do with all of these mixed up emotions brewing in me. I'll close My eyes and see him, laughing, smiling that smile of his that's so amazing. And I'll open my eyes, and the darkness will be there, and a song will be playing in my head, because there's always some song there.
I go back into my memories tonight, back to the middle of seventh grade, when he still acknowledged my existance. I'm standing in front of the creative writing class, and I'm reading a poem about him, even though he doesn't know it. And I'm finished, and the teacher asks for comments. He raises his beautiful hand, and My heart leaps in anticipation. And he says four words that i still remember, two years later: "It gave me chills"
I've never felt such a sence of accomplishment, never been in such a high state of euphoria as that moment. It was amazing. I had made him happy, and he thought something about me- no matter how small- was beautiful.
Now I'm laughing at myself, because maybe I over reacted at that, but he has now Idea how often he gives me chills. And everybody says love, they throw the word around carelessly, but I believe there are two kinds of love. There is temporary love, for high school, our teen years when we feel love the same, but we're all so ADD that we can't hold onto it for long enough. That's the kind of love I'm in, and I'm happy knowing It won't last, because I know that way it won't hurt forever.
Then you have 'real' love, love-for-keeps, 'true love' that lasts forever, or so they say. And I want that, but not yet. Not yet...
Right now I'm not sure what I do want. I want love in some shape or form, but I'm not sure how. I want to belong, I want friends I can trust, who don't fued and stop talking to each other. I want Good grades, I want sucess. I guess I'm just your average high school girl, trying to find a place. Trying to find out exactly who I am. And I know it won't happen right now, but I hope it will be soon.
And maybe, someday he will read this. So, Ryan, I'm going to say, I love you. I love you I love you I love you. And you don't have to love me back. I just wanted you to know.
All my wishes are for you.
~Carmen
