Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well let me give the basic story.

I'm 19 and I'm a transexual. I really want to be a girl but... I'm unable to be the me I want to be in real life... well around others in real life. The only 2 people I have told in real life are my 2 friends (and both are guys).

They really don't seem to mind it or really care about it but... I think thats mostly because the don't really believe that I'm going to go through with it.

I currently don't know all that much on the topic of a MtF sexual reassignment surgery. Or of transitioning and coming out. sad


Now the bigest reason I havn't come out yet is because of my so called "family". To be honest I really hate them and their racist discriminatory ways. I'm complete afraid that if I was to come out they would all turn on me and I would be kicked out of the house. Afterall my mom already like to threaten me with being kicked out for even things that are alot less minor than that. So... I'm pretty sure they would disown me but thats fine with me since I have already disowned them.

Like when I finally do have my name changed to my chosen name it will be completely different from my given name. I'm even going to try and get a new last name too!

So I unfortunately have to live a double life... I mean sometimes she suspects things but she doesn't really know yet. They also love to throw the "f**" insult at me alot. I've seen how they long down upon people who are different and i'm afraid...

I really want to move out but I have nowhere else to go or even the money to move out anyways. So I figure... if I can somehow manage/put up with this constant psychological toture... I might be able to have the operation done (due to actually having enough money) alot sooner.

But its killing me and just splitting me in two. The fake me that they want to see and the real me that I'm pretty sure they would hate.

My other problem is... in the past year I have made alot of female online friends (and a few male ones too) but I havn't told alot of them about who/what I really am... Is it reall necessary to tell friends that you only really know online about this kind of thing?... I mean it would be nice to be able to talk to them for support and all but... i'm afraid they might reject/hate me or treat me differently/look down upon me.