|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 8:56 am
Elysium (noun): a place or state of perfect happiness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Elysium"
If only you were here
Then what’s left unsaid someone would hear
And I can believe again, it is so clear
You'd understand even a drop of my tear
A sunset walk alongside the endless sea
You took the hand of the little me
And closing my eyes now I can somehow see
If only you were here, how different I would be
Indistinct ripples from the sea that understands no word
And everything else would not be heard
A moment of peace, and then time would spurt
I’d find myself once again lonely and hurt
Elysium, elysium, a quick taste of bliss
Can you hear me now, how much I miss
When the world was nothing like this
The innocent little me, now a forgotten piece
Elysium, elysium, a distant dream of peace
Ethereal, floating like a wind-blown fleece
In reminiscence time stays still
Back there on the shore, the sea was tranquil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a blurred memory from my childhood, walking down the shore with my grandpa who thought I was the best little girl anyone could ever met...
Nonetheless, please criticise it hard from literary point of view. Thanks!
PS: As you can see, this is my first time trying to rhyme... Usually I don't rhyme and release rants, but hey! I said to myself, if you train yourself hard, you will be able to let go a RHYMING rant. How cool is that? (And how randommmm... stare )
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:36 pm
I'm usually not into rhyming poems(they tend to stray from creativity and stick to nonsensical structure), but this was quite good. The word usage was especially notable, and the theme. It provoked emotions, real ones, and I very much like that in poetry. It's something you experienced that could make me feel the same way. Personally, it struck a cord because all my grandparents are dead, and the only memories I have is of my grandmother suffering a fatal heart attack, and my grandfather singing a lullaby to me before he forgot the names of his own children the next day.
-clears throat- By the way, I really like the word elysium <3.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
