This is something I did ages ago for my old royal geocities page in response to someone who said Queen Mary of Teck was "what every woman should be", which seemed like a horribly sexist attitude to put a woman who did nothing but marry someone royal, do what he said, and yell at everyone about being dignified as the standard for women when their are so many strong women out there. So, I satirized that attitude (and the general Patriarchy attitude towards women).


Women today are vulgar and improper! Having jobs? Wearing pants? Short skirts! Making their own decisions! It's all really quite too awful to contemplate. We should embrace the standards of our past and be good women, like the great Queen Mary. No, not Bloody Mary, though at least she burned who her husband told her to burn!

Here are some tips to follow to be a proper woman, like Queen Mary:

1. Get married. Get married young, and marry whoever you're told to marry by the men in your life. A woman isn't smart enough to make that kind of decision on her own. When Queen Mary was engaged to Prince Albert Edward and he died before the wedding, she did her duty and proceeded to marry his younger brother, despite only having met him twice.

2. Be a virgin! Do not let any man touch your shoulder or kiss you on the lips before your wedding night. Though such an act will leave your hymen in tact (which your husband to be, his parents, his great-uncle Ernest, and five of his drinking buddies will check you to verify) you will still have fornicated in your heart and you will be impure in the eyes of God. Do not expect the same of your husband to be. Men have wicked lusts deep inside them and can only be expected to have explored these lusts with common whores, rent boys, or various small furry mammals.

3. Allow your husband his manly right. Remember that as a man, he has the right to use your body for his wicked lusts, though if he demands anything beyond proper man-on-top-woman-lying-there-and-thinking-of-England intercourse, you do have a right to object. You need not remove any clothing beyond what is absolutely necessary for the act of intercourse. In fact, removing unnecessary clothing or (heaven-forbid!) wearing lingerie is something only done by adventuresses like that Simpson woman or those vulgar stage actresses.

4. Have lots of sons. As a royal, it was Mary's duty to produce heirs to the throne. It was also, as she described it, "the penalty of being a woman". Mary had five sons, see if you can beat her score. You must have as many children as your body will allow. A good woman can produce sons. Daughters are valuable only as items on the marriage market or as decorations.

5. Ignore your children. Having affection for your own children is undignified. Keep them with nannies or, if you cannot afford a nanny, simply feed them twice a day and lock them in their cribs until they're old enough to work. Never hug them, play with them, or tell them you love them. Be especially cold to boys. Being loved by their mother could make them homosexual. Mary's oldest son spoke often of her dignified motherhood: "My mother was a cold woman, a cold woman." He also referred to her as an "ice-veined b***h" in a letter to his wife and claimed that she only touched him when she beat him for being impertinent and undignified. That's something to aspire to. Ask your children often if they consider you an affectionate woman. If they answer is yes, you're not being cold enough. They should see you as an unapproachable, inhuman figure and never be tempted to hug you or act in a vulgar manner with you.

6. Don't question your husband. He is the head of the house and it is your duty to listen to him and obey him. It is only natural that his affections may stray. When this happens, be dignified and look the other way. Unless, of course, there's another woman fornicating with your husband on that side of you as well. In that case, you should probable buy a blindfold. The same principal does not apply to your sons. They are irresponsible and cannot be trusted to make their own decisions about their lives. You are allowed to be involved in their lives only when they need to be reminded how stupid they are and how they can't do anything right.

7. Don't dress in a vulgar manner. Never let anyone see your ankles or elbows. Keep your waist tightly corseted. If it measures over twenty-five inches, you are either extraordinarily obese, or your corset isn't tight enough. You must dress in a way that makes you seem dignified and unapproachable.

8. Never show emotion in public. Do not laugh or cry. Hold your emotions in until such a time as one of your children has displeased you. Then you can take it out on them in private. If someone close to you dies, you may shed a single tear over the casket. Anything more would be common and vulgar. You may show your despair by wearing nothing but black.

9. Don't have opinions. You're a woman, for God's sake!

10. If you ever feel that being a woman has somehow curtailed your life, take it out on your children, that's what they're for. If you feel bad that you spent your life opposing a woman's right to vote because you now have the urge to do so, don't give in to temptation. Instead, forbid your children from voting, and declare it as common and undignified. If you wish you could wear fashionable short skirts, force your daughter and daughters-in-law to wear long ones too. If you wish you'd been allowed to pick your own husband, forbid your children from marrying who they want so you'll feel less alone. If one of your children wants to marry someone you dislike, refuse to meet the person in question and do not ever refer to them by name. In fact, it is very dignified to make their name completely taboo, as if they were Lord Voldemort. Never try to understand or empathize with your children over any issue that bothers him; that's what prostitutes are for.

11. If you want something, stuff it down your corset. Keep large collections of things that have no practical purpose. You're not a kleptomaniac, you're just eccentric.