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*sigh* rant rant b***h b***h and here I go.....
I feel like I'm going in one giant ******** circle in my marriage, he promises to fix things and promises we'll do things together and share the workload. But two weeks two days some time passes by and nothing...so I do it myself and he gets pissed. Excuse me but the dog s**t is now petrified I think it should be picked up. It's like I'm supposed to work, cook, clean, get groceries, and still have the energy to ******** him before he goes to sleep and after he wakes up. I mean yes I know it's not just him, there are things I don't want to do either but I'm trying to fix it. I feel like whenever I talk he just tunes out, nods, and says he's sorry. "I'm sorry" I'm so disgusted by those words now and I have troubles believing anyone that says them. I almost walked out on him today...I almost didn't go home after we fought on the phone. But I did, and I knew exactly what would happen. He would come up say he's sorry hug me and kiss me, then we'd talk for a bit and he'd run off to play WoW. And I let it happen, because I still love him and he's all I have here. All of my family is back in nebraska and my best friend never calls anymore nor does she answer mine. I know he's stressed and I understand that, being in the Air Force does have its demands. But I don't get to come home and veg on the computer otherwise I get yelled at. And usually I'm up all night to make sure he gets up in the morning, so I'm sleeping during the day or I'm trying to clean or buying groceries. Having no idea what he wants and having him upset because I got the "wrong stuff". Then we fight again and I end up crying. I never used to cry like this, I used to feel strong and felt like I was in control. When we were dating and engaged we took care of eachother. I mean yeah we never lived together but we would take the time to see eachother everyday and try to plan our marriage. He promised so many wonderful things, and they were realistic. He promised that he would make us healthy meals so we could get into shape (I am over weight) he promised that he would help me get back into school. But I'm here working a job that I hate and getting bitched at because I don't want to cook, since he always tells me I do it wrong. I'm sorry that I don't cook like your mother did but I can't replace her! I'm not her and no matter how much I love her I don't want to be her. I want to be me, the person that he ******** married.He's changed so much and I didn't realize it before because I was so depressed about being away from my family. But he used to be so gentle and understanding. I mean if I told him before that I didn't want sex he would ask if I was ok and he would be fine with it. A little sore but fine. Now this moring I said no and he's slamming doors and throwing s**t around, he started to climb on top of me until I pushed him off. I was so scared to go back to sleep because I was afraid he'd do what he did before. And it's not like I say no because I don't want to be close to him. It's like I either feel sick or just don't feel sexy. Or like this morning I felt gross and sore from my pap smear I had yesterday. He said he was sorry and that he loves me, but I always wonder how much does he love me? I just want him to show me that he cares about me. I always ask him if he wants to go out with me and I have seriously bought him flowers before to show him how good it feels to get that. But he always says no to the dates and the flowers always get stuck somewere away from him and they die days later. I want to go home in october for my little sisters sweet 16, I'm saving up the money and I want him to go with me since my family really cares about him. He said that he has to check his leave time since he wants to take two weeks off for the new WoW expansion pack!! This is family and he's putting a game before them! It kills me inside because my little sister tells me that he's her favorite brother in law. We talked about going to marriage counseling and he said it was a good idea. But what gets to me is that most likely it won't happen because I'm not awake during usual business hours to make appts for it.
So I don't know what to think anymore. Some days I love him, other times I can't stand the sight of him, other days I'm just so confused. I hate who I am right now. I smoke a lot, I'm tired all the time, I've gained so much weight and have no energy to exercise. I'm not like begging for advice since I know that a lot of you aren't married, I just want a hug and for someone to tell me I haven't completely lost it.

ahhh the joys of love. rolleyes that is why im still deciding wether to date this girl or not. i like being single, but i like her alot to. neh, stuck between a rock and a hard place like you. just not as bad.

So basically it's been a week since my rant post. Nothings changed really, I looked online to see if there were any marriage counseling services offered on base, the only have classes that are held once a month and are usually being held when I'm supposed to work. So that's my research, what has he done...nothing. Right now my joys are talking to a few people and my pets. I'm focusing on taking care of them and giving them love. I'm getting nervous because nothings changing, and I'm getting tired. I can only do so much alone and marriage is supposed to take two people to work. Talking to him just seems to be useless and makes me wonder if he'll even listen to a counselor.