|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:43 pm
Um, so.
I like to share thoughts, feelings, and random quotes. Feel free to comment, share your own, and such.
Mostly this will be a space for me to get feed back for my brain droppings. :3
I think about things at random, so I usually have a note book and a pen with me at all times. That means, as you may well have guessed, my written thoughts are raw, and that's why I would like your opinion!
Anyways, Share your stuff too. Cliches are awesome.~ Give me your favorites!
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:49 pm
This was written DIRECTLY after I finished watching "Say Anything" with John Cusack (My loverrrr). Again, this is raw, and I seek your opinion on changes in wording, or continuations....
I'm also writing a book, a sort of memoir I guess. I might put it in there, so yeah. >>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In all the things in my life that made me hurt, I never imagined that the one thing I thought wouldn’t last would defy my expectations, and help me find myself. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would find someone like Ian, and now that I realize that I may be loosing him, or already have, I’m struck with this fear that takes over my entire being, this sinking in my soul. It’s worse than my fear of clowns, worse than spiders, even. This is my ultimate fear. I am deathly afraid of being alone, being without Him. I want to hold on, but I can’t do it to him if he doesn’t want it. I can’t hold him back, and I can’t hold myself back, either. It’s all I can do to retain the feeling he fills me with. It’s in his smile, his wink when he’s about to do something daring. It’s the feeling I wake up with, in his bed with his arms around me, when all I can think about is, “Don’t let the day start, I don’t want to leave.” All the love songs, all the clichés that inspire me are true. It just doesn’t matter anymore. I never wanted anyone, or anything, for that matter, more than I want him. Everything is going back to where it was. My sight is returning to the muted colors, I can’t hear the wind whispering in my ear, telling me that it will all be okay. I can’t even breathe without noticing the hole. He isn’t ready for commitment, and I don’t think he ever will be, without a push. Pushing him would ruin it all, as it always does. As much conviction that I have in leaving, in saying, “All I want is to see you happy”, I know that if I see him happy, with someone else, that I will feel lost again. If I say anything when I leave, including, “I love you”, I will regret it. He’s seen me cry, and saying that would make leaving ten times worse. He would know then, and what little hope I had that he would find me again would be gone.
Everyone says that, “If he isn’t committing or isn’t ready, let it go. He isn’t worth it.” All of them are wrong. Loving anyone is worth risks, its worth the chance that you will break up, because if you do get back together, its bigger than when you first were together. If you fail, if you both leave and never get together again, you have the chance of finding someone to make it right again. That’s what life IS. Every risk has the chance to make things better, and even if it means there’s also a chance to make it worse, not taking the risk is like death. You don’t grow, experience, find new things if you ignore risks. I would rather risk not having him against the chance of gaining him again, to not doing anything. I can’t imagine my life without him. Maybe all hope has been lost already…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not finished, I was going somewhere with it, but my brain stopped working after the last line. Then I had to go to Oceanside to see a friend, so my thoughts were transferred to something else. Oh well. D:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
