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 Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 12:07 pm
Hey everyone who's reading this I would appreciate some feed back 3nodding
TITLE: Short Story (Basically I can't think of a title)
"Mmmmmm...." sighs Richard, "That feels good." (Just so you know he's getting a message.
Jenifer giggles, "Hehe, I'm going to go get something for you to eat." Jen gets up and goes over to the kitchen area, "Darling do you want anything to drink?" not even looking up she got out wine and pored it into a goblet.
"Jen-Jen I just want to get back to what we were doing." he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and twitches his finger in a 'come over here' sign.
"Well if we are going to continue than you are going to have to eat something.she smiles sweetly.
Richard takes a gulp of wine and chokes, "What is this?" he grabs his throat and gurgles.
"It's limwart poison the strongest that I could get because with your luck the normal stuff wouldn't kill you." she smiles again but this time its distorted evilly.
"Why, why would you do this to me?" Richard's face starts to lose color. "What did I ever do to you but provide for you." his eyes burned with the anguish of betrayal.
"Nothing its just that I get what I want as soon as they see you dead." Jenifer laughs with menace."And they are going to pay highly for you." she strokes his cheek lovingly. Lie an owner would a dog that didn't under stand."So, so highly my pet."
"Who are you doing this for?" Richard gasps pain shooting all over his body making his voice hoarse and gruff.
"Who he asks." she chuckles darkly,"I'm doing this for my boss Trina," Richard's eyes light with recognition and hatred,"It was either you or Jackson and I personally like Jackson more." she stands to walk away,"Tah tah!" she calls over her shoulder.
"How ironic is this?" Richard gasped to himself,"The man who had every thing is slayed by the only thing that ment anything in his world." with that his breath stopped.
Why am I not dieing? Richard thought to himself. I'm sure as hell not breathing. He then felt a burning hand on his shoulder and felt something yank out of his chest."Wake up Richard." a voice like light itself called to him,"Wake up and face your new life."
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 11:39 pm
Oh! Good start! First thing I suggest, though, is to put it in past tense. Present tense is fine, but it makes it kind of hard for me to read. I would alsosuggest rereading it for grammar, though. I would also suggest adding some more detail and adjectives in it. For example in the beginning you could add something like:
"Mmmmmm...." sighs Richard, as his wife rubs his shoulders, relaxing the tension from the day. "That feels good."
But it is really intriguing and makes me want to read more! I hope this helps. Let me know if you want more.
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