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Boulder of Sad

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Gwynevyr

 
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:06 am


hollowed out,
cut up

seg-men-ted.

as if some demonic blade

scraped my heart away,

and my stomach has been

replaced

with a boulder of grief.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 9:04 am


'boulder made of sad'?

Surely it should 'be boulder made of sadness'  

and_solo_said
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Miyaz

 
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 6:13 pm


This poem definately lacks detail.
I suggest you elaborate a little more, i do not mind short poems, but each line, each word, each letter must give off the some aura as the whole poem.
Small poems are usually quite tight in meaning, but sometimes are ambigious.
Nevertheless, they must make sense!

Why demonic blade?
Why a boulder?
Why sad? Doesn't it hurt?

Tighten up the meaning.
I like the word 'scrape,' its probably the only word that fits fully into the style.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:37 pm


I edited it.^^

Gwynevyr

 
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