|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 11:53 am
We
Stood there
And watched the
Stars fall. the moon
Explode, and the sun burst
Into fireworks. All the animals flew
In the sky. As the oceans dried
Up and the deserts turn to forests.
And all the people just stood and stared.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:22 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:37 pm
Wow, this poem really packs a punch! It's very powerful.
The only thing I would change is combine "All the animals flew / In the sky. As the oceans dried" so they are one sentence. Because "As the oceans dried up and the deserts turn to forests" is a fragmented sentence.
Also, it's not necessary to bump here. Sometimes you just have to be patient to receive feedback since this isn't a very active guild.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 11:24 pm
thanks yea i tend to make fragments alot
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
