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 Posted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:46 pm
I'm not sure if I'll write here very often, because I already have another journal, but we'll see.
I'm Lich, 19 going on 20. I live with my mom, who's emotionally abusive. I usually rant about her furiously because she's always doing something to piss me off, or because I have a long history of the ways she's wronged me.
My parents are divorced and my dad lives in a different city with his girlfriend and her son. I used to live with them for two-three years, but I moved when I broke up with my boyfriend and no longer felt like I would be able to carry on with day-to-day life, going to school and everything.
I'm going to a GED prep course right now, and it's taking forever. I'm also about to see a new therapist soon. Her name sounds Russian but her accent sounds Indian, and she seems very kind and sympathetic. Although I worry her emphasis on sympathy may signify an unprofessional nature, because I've been told that therapists are not supposed to make a point of sympathizing, just listening and giving feedback.
I also have a brother, who I'm going to call Thomas. I don't have a very good relationship with him- he's always laughing at me and making fun of me. He's got his own place right now and a job, and two kids, one with a different woman each, but he may be moving back in soon, which pisses me off because if he moves back in I'm going to get kicked out of my room, and then I'll have to sleep on the livingroom couch again. I would almost rather die than get kicked out of my room.
I'm teaching myself Japanese from a book right now. I study for ten minutes a day. I'm also trying to improve my drawing skills by working from an anatomy book for artists. Pretty soon I hope to get Drawing With The Right Side of Your Brain.
I'm very interested in psychology. Alice Miller is to me what a religious leader would be to other people- I'm always quoting her.
I guess that's it for now.
P.S. Whether or not I want comments will change from post to post. On some posts I may not want any comments, and on others I may want feedback.
Edit: Yeah, I just realized I cuss a whole lot after my second post, so here's a warning about that. I cuss a lot. I talk about sex sometimes. My topics of conversation may be NC 17.
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:45 pm
Warning: Discussing sex and homosexuality later on in post.
I've noticed that sometimes, right after I take my medication, I get really keyed up and nervous. That happened today. There was a trigger for it this time, though- someone said something in a thread that got me irritated, and I really didn't want to fight, but I couldn't stay quiet, and then I was worried what the other person's response would be.
In other news, Thomas is being the typical mainstream guy who never bothers to think about other people's experiences. He was talking about this movie (Philadelphia?) where a homosexual guy got AIDs after having anonymous sex in a porn theater. I could tell where this was going, the whole 'homosexual people are promiscuous' thing, so I told him, "That's not a good representation of all gay people. Not all gay people are promiscuous." And then he suggested because I was offended that I was gay, and I said no, I don't need to be gay to be offended. He said something condescending about him believing "facts" when I told him he was buying into a stereotype, because there's apparently documentaries about gay people having orgies and s**t in the seventies. As far as I know, wasn't everybody behaving in a very promiscuous way in the sixties and seventies? And he says gay people do "grosser" things than straight people. Yeah ******** right. Just look at half the heterosexual porn out there and tell me it's not disgusting. Unless you're completely desensitized.
Other than that, eh... My energy level has dipped recently. I've been rushing through my scheduled activities, not really trying very hard. I'm bored and not in a great mood most of the time. I need more hobbies.
Eh, that's all.
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Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:18 pm
Yugure's beloved Kitten says...People who say things like that about GLBT people piss me off endlessly. I had a friend who had a friend that decided to, upon learning that we were attending the Pride parade, rant about how gay sex was wrong and against god and biologically disgusting, and then launched into a tirade about how lesbians are hot and should be everywhere. I don't know why she continues to speak to him. =/ Anyway. Back on topic. I totally agree with what you're saying. ^^ She seems to be in a good mood today...
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Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:46 am
People suck sometimes, that's all there is to it.
I'm not much better, though. I joined a GLBT guild expecting to find better than what you get in mainstream heterosexual land, but lots of people there are sexist and wishy washy too. >xC It's my fault for expecting people to be anything other than people, regardless of sexuality.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:30 pm
For the past several days, I've been having this weird feeling. It's like a flash of emotional nausea. And it's this feeling I've come to associate with sexual trauma for reasons I'm not willing to go into. I don't know why it's coming up- it happens when my mind is on other things, nothing sexual or traumatic in particular.
Also, today, I got really uncomfortable. It felt crowded and loud inside my head and I had to stop roleplaying to go lie down. I ended up falling into a light doze and waking up shortly after, and I felt better then, and I've felt better all day.
About two days ago, I had a melt down in the car. I was trying to discuss my concerns about my brother moving back in with us with my mom. If he moved back in, I would be kicked out of my room, and he'd get the room. Naturally I'm extremely upset about this. It's been implied without any certainty that if I was paying rent I'd be able to keep the room. That just pisses me off so much, because it's not my fault I'm disabled. It's not my fault I can't get a job or contribute more to this household. So because of my disabled status, I'm a second class citizen, and people can just kick me out of my room whenever they feel like it. Nevermind that I was here first, or that Thomas got the room for the years he was living here, so now it's MY ******** TURN TO HAVE THE ROOM.
I actually asked my mother if I was paying rent, would I be able to keep my room, and she said, "I don't know." The correct answer is, "YES." It just goes to show how much she values her son over me. ******** her.
So anyway, the car. She wasn't listening to me. And when she ignores me when I'm upset, I start to fill up with helpless rage. This is the kind of s**t that caused me to cut when I was thirteen. There was so much pain and anger, and people silenced me, so I had to turn it inward on myself just to get people to ******** pay attention, to understand that I WAS NOT OKAY.
So I lost it. I scratched my wrists up in the store, and I started screaming and crying and hitting myself in the car, telling my mom I hated her, that she's a monster, saying "I CAN'T ESCAPE" over and over again. She threatened to kick me out of the car if I didn't calm down, so I got out of the car and started walking. A moment later she drove back around and made me get back into the car.
I'm still not sure she's changed her mind about anything. I have no idea where I'm going to go. I would sooner die than live with my brother, without a room of my own, again. My dad is being an unreliable a*****e, too. My mom called him while I was freaking out and he said he'd call back later that evening, but he never did, and he hasn't called any time past that evening either. I ******** hate him sometimes. He's such a ******** flake. He's not there for me when I need him.
So anyway, I'm wondering if my break down was because of the situation at hand, or if it had something to do with my disorder's symptoms worsening. I honestly don't know.
Update:
I'm starting to get really upset. My dad hasn't answered my E-mails. He won't call, he won't answer my E-mails. My cellphone is dead and I don't have a charger, and our home phone doesn't do long distance, so I can't call him if I want to. I feel so ******** helpless and alone.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:37 am
I missed my therapy appointment yesterday. I was extremely upset about this. I kept saying, "Why would you do this to me? Why, why, why?" to my mom, who had neglected to wake up in time to get us to the appointment. I was so upset I just wanted to be asleep and not feeling anything.
Again, I'm not sure if I got this upset because that's just how important it was to me, or if it's the affective part of my disorder acting up. I was pretty much in a bad mood for the rest of that day- pretty depressed and bored.
I was looking up information about housing for people with disabilities, but I got nowhere. It's so confusing. Several times I got this weird feeling like a puppet with its strings cut, a helplessness so profound I felt like I would stop moving and sitting upright altogether.
Well, I E-mailed some places that have to do with housing for the homeless, and I hope if they can't help me, they can point me to someone who can. I tried to call the most local HUD office, but it was in the next several cities over, and the person my call got transferred to didn't pick up, so I gave up.
I'm hoping to hear back from one of the people I E-mailed. I E-mailed three of them to make sure I would hit on at least one person who would speak back to me. One of the E-mail addresses is apparently no longer active, though, so I'm not sure what my chances are.
Today I feel all right. I finally got up in the morning, rather than sleeping in until one PM or later like I usually do. I had some coffee and I feel pretty good. Coffee usually makes me feel good. I'm somewhat concerned that if I make it too often I'm going to get addicted to the slightly euphoric feeling it gives me. Oh well, all I have to do is not make it every day.
Oh, I've been exercising lately. I started out just doing jumping jacks and sit ups, but I've added a few more things to my routine. I try to do push ups now, because my arm strength is the most important thing for me to work on right now. I also go for runs around the neighborhood, as much as I can go before I get too tired to keep it up. And I bounce around to Finntroll when I get the chance. My favorite song is Under Dvargens Fot. It's just so energetic and mischievous, I have to dance to it. You'd be surprised about how good exercise bouncing around dancing can be. My muscles are STILL sore, and it's two days after I did it. Plus I was panting so hard that my lungs burned. I'm not sure if I can do anything today, because I'm sore all over, but I think I can at least run and do push ups and sit ups.
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Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 11:04 pm
The time my brother's moving in fast approaches. He'll be moving in on the fifteenth. And it turns out he's not coming alone- he's bringing his ex-girlfriend and their baby with him.
We had a big family talk, the gist of which was basically, "Sneeuw is this huge problem, how are we going to deal with her." And my brother took the opportunity to fat shame and concern troll me, telling me he wanted me to exercise because I was putting on weight and he's "concerned for my health". ******** him five ways to hell and back.
I'm extremely depressed right now, and have been for hours since the talk occurred.
I just want to die already. I wish humans came with an 'off' switch.
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