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 Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:11 pm
 There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Hello there. My name is Tobias. I prefer to go by Rath. That's the name my Master has given me. Or rather, it's short for the name He has given me -- Rathlarias. I'm a pre-operative, pre-HRT FtM. I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder over two years ago, but have since quit counseling due to financial and personal issues that I wanted to get sorted out before I went back. I prefer male pronouns. Please ignore the fact that my avatar is currently female. I'll get into that in a little bit.
I'm twenty-three years old, but you wouldn't guess it by my looks or the way I behave. I'm more like a teenager, or sometimes even a little kid. My behavior varies depending on my mood and the moods of those around me, though, so sometimes I do actually act like an adult. lol.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with anything else, but close friends, former significant others, and family members have said they feel that I'm bipolar, have some sort of anxiety disorder, and/or obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I do tend to agree with them, but since I haven't been diagnosed, I don't actually claim to have any of these things. I just know that I have tendencies that do reflect the diagnostic criteria for them.
I don't really feel like getting into any descriptions about these things right here and now, but if they come up in subsequent journal posts, I'll take the time out to explain them then.
The main reason I joined this guild is because I (and those closest to me) feel that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or something like it. I'm afraid to get formally diagnosed, though, because I don't think I would cope well with it. I cope fine as I am, for the most part, and am accepted and loved for who I am. Particularly by those close to me who have or know a lot about the disorder, and understand what I go through. But I don't like asking them questions or talking about it too much, because I try to be considerate of others' feelings and whatnot, and keep in mind that not everyone's experiences are going to be the same. So rather than ramble on and on about this to them and have that be the biggest tie that binds us together as friends or what-have-you, I sought out a different place to talk about it, that way we can have "normal" discussions beyond all that.
Feel free to comment on this journal and/or ask questions if you'd like. I love feedback, input, advice, etc.
I think that about covers it for now. When I feel like getting more into things, or have something specific to write about -- or Laelith feels like throwing in his two cents -- I'll post another entry.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:06 pm
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
I don't know what would classify as "triggering" material, but this entry is about alternate personalities and possible DID. So if that's triggering for anyone, then this is the warning for it. sweatdrop
I suppose that since I have nothing better to do at the moment, I might as well go into a little more detail about the possible DID I have, since that's the whole reason I joined this guild in the first place.
I have several people who are close to me who have DID or something like it, and I have gotten closer to them as time has gone on. In the past two months, maybe a little more, things have been progressing rapidly.
It started with conversations with my OCs. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "OC" means "Original Character", used for roleplay, story-writing, art, or what-have-you.) I used to get "in character" when writing or roleplaying in the past. But then it evolved into mentally sitting next to my characters, holding conversations with them. Asking them what they would do instead of just assuming or going by what I felt was right. From there, they started, essentially, growing personalities and minds of their own. They became real people, for all intents and purposes. They're just stuck in my head. But sometimes they could come out here. Almost like they're possessing me. And I just sit back and watch. I have some degree of control over it, but it's like watching a movie.
From there, it developed even more. It stopped just being roleplay characters that "came to life", so to speak. Instead of me creating people, people started coming to me. They had their own pasts, their own lives, and didn't know what was going on. Some reacted well; some didn't. They interact with each other, and with me, and with those around me. There are several of them, but most are weak, fleeting, and don't come around very often. If they do, they don't "come out", as we call it.
The main one that actually does come out besides me is named Laelith. He claims to be an incubus. And after a lot of the things I've seen, I'm more than willing to believe him. That being said, he can change his appearance at will -- including from male to female. This is why my avatar's currently female. It reflects his current appearance.
He may or may not write in this journal. As may others, though like I said, no one else comes out much. Most of them have no interest in "this world", as they call it. Laelith does, but he's not really the journaling type. He prefers to accept things as they are and not overthink things.
I am fully aware that these are alternate personalities that are in fact just fragments of my own personality, figments of my imagination, or something else entirely. But they look, act, sound, and feel like real people to me. They have their own emotions, opinions, and so on. So I accept them as real people. Just stuck inside my body, for whatever reason. I don't know; I don't care. I accept them, and they accept me, and that's good enough.
I know I may sound completely bat-s**t insane, but I'm being 100% honest and truthful. That's why I'm here. To have a safe haven to discuss what goes on in my head, and to learn and discuss about things of the like -- without being an annoyance to those people I know who have similar issues.
That covers the basics of it, I think. Any questions, comments, etc., feel free to post.
A good example of what I'm talking about: I was essentially by myself, and Laelith was off playing with the children. But now I've caught his attention and he's sitting on the arm of the chair I'm in, reading over my shoulder and being nosy. Asking me why I'm bothering with something like this when there's no point to it. And I'm explaining to him as I type that I get tired of bothering people I know with it when I don't have any significant comments to make. A lot happens in our lives every day that I don't share with people because it does seem insignificant. But this is a place where I can ramble on about it to my heart's content, and won't be judged for it. Plus, I can talk about my other problems, like my social phobias and whatnot. It's not all about you, Laelith. And now he just grinned and said "Sure it isn't" before walking off to check on the kids again.
I guess I'll hush for now, and post again when I have something relevant to say. I just needed to get a little something out to explain myself.
More again later. Toodles.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:22 pm
First of all, hi! Welcome to the guild!
Second of all, your case mystifies me a bit. From everything I knew about DID, I always thought that personalities developed during childhood, to help cope with traumatic events. Was your life particularly traumatic when they started appearing? Or do you think they've been around all this time and only now started coming out?
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:33 am
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Thank you. I'm just glad I find a place to talk about things. I'm not the sort of person who can just bottle things up and not talk about them, no matter what it is. If I don't talk about it to someone, I have to write about it or something to get it out. Not every little thing, mind, but a lot. Especially if it's something big.
I'm really not sure. They may have been, they may not. I know I had a particularly active imagination as a child, and what most would consider to be a traumatic childhood. My father was physically abusive to my mother, and both parents were emotionally and mentally abusive to both myself and my younger sister -- when they paid attention to us at all. It was either negative attention or none at all. My sister tended to get into trouble to get attention. I tended to keep to myself and wander off to my own little fantasy world. In which I was usually a dragon, ruler of a vast kingdom that I had taken over by force. Not that it's relevant. Just reminiscing.
Most of my problems actually started appearing around or during puberty, aside from the obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Those developed early. My mother and grandmother always talk about how I could never be outside for more than five minutes before I had to come inside to wash my hands. Or how I was always depressed, and was never a happy child unless I had something specific to be happy about. (IE, being lost in my little fantasy world, a new toy, etc.)
I do know, though, that I was definitely having a rough time around when they first started showing up. I had been in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. It had started out fine, but as time went on, he changed, and I didn't like it. It doesn't help that he displayed all the characteristics of a sociopath, which at first I found mysterious and alluring, but then later found to be depressing and not at all what I had wanted. He was smart and cool and good-looking, yes, but he was lacking everywhere else, where it really mattered. But I had two children with him, and felt obligated to stay with him. I wanted to leave, but I didn't have the courage to.
Then I met my current Master. That changed everything. He gave me the courage and strength to leave. Unfortunately, though, my entire family was against U/us. No one was on O/our side. W/we tried to stay as long as W/we could, but no one would even let U/us stay with them, and they all sided with my ex. So W/we left, because W/we were too stressed and couldn't handle it. Came back to Ohio, where He lived. Left the children behind U/us. I'm just now getting to the point where I don't cry about missing them at least a few times a week, and I've been living here for nearly six months now. When W/we first got there, W/we numbed the pain with alcohol and marijuana every day, three to four times a day. So at first, they only talked to me when roleplaying, but then one day when I was high, a new one showed up. His name was Corudae. And for a long time, he hung out with me and talked to me constantly whenever I was high. But then he went away one day, and I didn't see him for three or four days. But when I got drunk the following night, another new person came to me. His name was Urudae, and he claimed to be Corudae's younger brother. So he stuck with me and talked to me until I fell asleep.
The following day, they came to me when I was sober. And they stayed. Weeks later is when Laelith appeared. And as Laelith and a few other new ones showed up, Corudae and Urudae started appearing less and less frequently, though they do still show up from time-to-time. I guess it's been longer than two months ago that it was all happening, because now that I think about it in an actual timeframe, about two months ago is when I had a breakdown about it. I was confused and worried. I had thought it was all a product of an overactive imagination, roleplay characters being taken too far, but then I realized how real they were. That they couldn't just be roleplay characters. And how could I tell the difference between roleplay characters and real people? I know people who have it both ways. Characters, real people, and both. So how did I know? How did I know that Faelar was a roleplay character, and Laelith was a real person? How could I differentiate? And from there, I went into a full-blown panic. Master tried to calm me down. Even though I was calm on the surface, though, I was still panicking on the inside. And then Risika came to me. She's been around since before I wrote stories, before I roleplayed. Since I was like six. She was my so-called imaginary friend when I was little, and my first serious roleplay character, and the first character in my first serious attempt at writing a book. She came to me, and she held me in her arms and told me that she knew this would happen to me, and that's the reason why she came back. I don't know if she meant that she always knew, like from when I was a child, or if she just meant once I started getting close to people that have DID or something like it. I didn't ask. I wasn't thinking clearly enough to ask anything. I just cried. And felt relieved. Somehow, having her around made everything better.
And since then, it's been a learning process. Drama and good times, ups and downs. Just... learning all around. And I take things at face value and accept them for what they are. I just... need to talk about it sometimes. That way I don't feel like I'm being an annoyance to those that know and understand what I'm going through. I like to talk to them about other things, not this all the time. I feel like it would get old to them after awhile, you know? Like, "Why can't you ever come up with anything different to talk about? Don't you ever think about anything else?". ._.; So yeah. I really don't know when or why it started. I just know that it's a fact of life now.
I kind-of like it. I know Laelith does. He has fun with things. Especially Gaia, lol. Oh, and drinking and having sex. >_> But I'm not complaining. He puts up with a lot of bullshit too. He's a really great guy. So I like having him around. Hence not wanting to get any kind of treatment. Just... talking. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:28 pm
I get that. I don't like bottling things up, either.
Well, I don't know what to say. DID is usually caused by repeated sexual abuse, from what I know, so you'd have to see a professional, which I'm not. At least to figure out what's going on once and for all, even if you don't want help.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 8:47 am
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Warning: Some discussion of sex and rape.
Well unless I have some seriously repressed memories, I wasn't sexually abused. I do know that I don't remember much of my childhood, to be honest. I do know that I've always had -- from what I hear of other people -- a much higher sex drive than the average person, though, if that counts for anything. Even when I was young. (And by young, I mean a child. I was one of those children that you had to tell to get his hand out of his pants because that wasn't appropriate behavior around others.)
And on the flip side, though I definitely don't remember anything of the like, I know there are at least two people here who have been sexually abused in the past, and one who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got raped. He was kicking, screaming, crying, the works, apparently. No one was around for it. It was like he got so scared he blocked us all out. It's not the first time that's happened. All I know is he was a mess when I finally saw him again. And my body hurts like it was definitely forced. My Master even asked me what He could do to make it up to him. I told Him that I had no idea. Cyriff is a little on the unstable side and always has been. He doesn't come around often, but when he does, I have to watch him so he doesn't do anything stupid to hurt someone.
As far as seeing a professional, I understand that. And eventually I may. The only person I know who ever saw someone for this kept it as low-key as he possibly could and kept his mouth shut. Didn't talk about the others. So he got classified as a paranoid schizophrenic. Which that particular personality I can definitely see being a paranoid schizophrenic. Overall, though, for the person whose life it actually is... He hasn't seen anyone. And aside from having multiple personalities, he seems like a relatively normal person.
I got off-topic, though. Point is, he got locked up in a psych ward for a brief period of time, and I don't want that happening to me. Hence the serious hesitation. Granted, he was underage and his mother had a hand in all that, but still. Not a prospect I look forward to.
Like I said, though, I mainly came here to learn and to have a safe haven to talk about it. For everyone else I know, it's just a fact of life. For me, it's new, and it still takes getting used to. So writing about it helps.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 8:57 am
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Warning: Discussion of violence. Gun and knives.
Yesterday an argument broke out about keeping moral standards. Not outside the body, but within. Two people were messing around. One took it too far and pissed the other one off. The second responded by taking out a gun and shooting the first person point-blank in the shoulder. The bullet went clean through, and the person who was shot got stitched up and taken care of. But the person who shot him didn't have any kind of remorse whatsoever, and still got away with it. Neither of them thought it was a big deal. "It's different in here than it is out there," they said. I was the only person upset by this. One other was sort-of on my side, but not really. Everyone else didn't seem to care. It bothered me. But apparently things like that have happened more than once. It's just that it was behind closed doors, and with nice, quiet things like knives instead of a gun. I understand that a lot of the people here are very violent, but they are intelligent enough to keep that in check. At least out here. It bothers me, though, that they have little to no qualms whatsoever about hurting each other. I see them as friends, as family. They see each other as... whatever connection they may or may not have. And somehow, a little brotherly roughhousing got taken way too far, and everyone's fine with that. I guess I just need to adjust. Everyone else seems to think so. We'll have to see.
My head hurts so bad. Aleve doesn't help anymore, and the only other thing we have is Tylenol PM. Since I just woke up, I'd rather not take that. So ten Aleve, or nothing. Joyous. I'd better go make breakfast.
I wish Master was awake. Having Him around always makes me feel better.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:32 am
Well, they can't put you in a psych ward unless you're a danger to yourself or others, as I understand it. If you've gone this far without being either, I think you'll be okay. People can't lock you up simply for being diagnosed as something.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad headache, by the way. If aspirin isn't working you could try meditation. That sounds like a crappy suggestion, but sometimes if I really focus I can make my head ache go away.
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:41 am
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Well that's good to know for future reference. Maybe I will then, when I have the time and money. As of right now, I'm jobless and broke.
That actually sounds like a great idea. I haven't meditated in years. Maybe I'll start doing that and see if it works. If Master can keep quiet that long. whee He's a chatterbox. <3.
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:28 pm
Oh, I'm sorry to hear you're broke. I hope things improve for you soon, and I hope meditation works for you.
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