Welcome to Gaia! ::

I never want to go back. I never want to see your smile or hear your laugh. I never want to drive by your house or walk up that ramp. I never want to knock on your door or watch you come up the stairs to greet me. I never want to give you a hug or take your hand, letting you lead me downstairs to your room.

I never want to sit on your warm bed, giggling and listening it echo through the room as you kiss me. I never want to count those damn ceiling tiles again as I lay on my back next to you, holding your hand and talking about Alex Pardee and Three Days Grace. I never want hear that stupid Pokémon music coming from your game boy as we battle the Elect Four. I never want to play Yu-Gi-Oh sitting on your dingy burnt floor.

I never want to hear your sob stories about Kate or listen to you get angry about things. I never want to see those cuts on your wrists and legs or see those bottles of pills you use to escape sitting on the toy chest next to your bed. I never want to see you frown while we sit in silence, our hands alone and not linked together.

I never want to smell your jacket or hair, the sweet musty aroma that would help me fall asleep in your arms. I never want to feel your arms snug around my waist, your lips to my forehead raining delicate kisses down on me. I never want to hear you say “I love you”.

I never want to hear you sing those songs, your voice like an angel even when it would scream in the choruses. I never want to read your poetry or blogs with all the talk of Kate and death. I never want to see your pictures on my wall, kissing my cheek at Del Taco. I never even want to get a message from your sister even though we never talk about you.

I never want to relive those moments with you. I never want to think back to all the smiles and laughs shared. I never want to think about you ever again. I never want to dream about promises you made to me or even worse, I never want to dream about you continuing to try and destroy yourself.

But most of all. I never want to say never to any of these things. I want you back no matter how many times I tell myself “never”.