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 Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:42 pm
I am standing at the mouth of
Oblivion.
A chasm wide as the Earth.
There are no shadows here; there's
no light with which to cast them.
The rock is bone white -impossible but
I can see- plummeting down into a void.
The vanishing point.
I felt fear like never before.
The pale rider watched me, and his pearl
eyes smoked like the mane of Apocalypse.
"Why are you afraid?"
I could not answer. My mind was
consumed with a question of its own.
Why do they call you Death?
Those terrible eyes saw through me.
No wind blew.
Cliffs of ash collapsed into Oblivion.
Desolation billowed from its maw.
"So they will not seek me.
So they will not know
The Truth..."
My eyes trembled in their sockets. I could
feel my tongue swollen in its dusty mouth.
What is The Truth?
I burned to ask him, but as
my desire grew so did my
tongue. It was choking me.
I noted with horror that my skin was
cracking. Vermin slithered out of my flesh.
As my soul screamed for rescue from
this place, a world undisputably
real and terrible, the pale rider turned
his gaze to the East.
I, the only living thing in this realm
Stood beside Death as the black sun rose.
I witnessed truths beyond comprehension,
escaping words and structure.....
I cannot continue. My hand grwshea..
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Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:12 am
I think that this should have gone in the poetry subforum instead of the writing subforum, but it is interesting.
You are very good at setting up a scene and executing the story.
But your rhythm and everything is all over the place. The punctuation in you poem defines a sentence structure like a story and isn't working for me in this poem because it makes everything really choppy.
Your adjectives and descriptions are amazing and realistic, but most of the time they aren't words that help with the poem's flow.
I think that if this was rewritten as a short story it would be amazing, but as a poem it is lacking a bit.
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Posted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:58 pm
Of course it's lacking as a poem. It's a journal entry! razz Thank being said, I understand what you mean.
The reason it's flow is so chaotic and jumpy -so broken- is because a friend that I was seeing at the time had overdosed on anti-depressants and fell unconscious in school. I went with her to the hospital, and she told me it was because she felt like she made me unhappy and wanted to become a better person. That's why she took so much.
She's fine now, but this was my reaction then. I'm not sure why. Reading it sort of frightens me.
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