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 Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:17 pm
Chapter One
I was running, sweat dripping down my face. I was being chased
down a unfamilar path, it is dark and trees border the dirt road.
I try not to look back. I dont want to see my prusuer. All I know is he (she?) is trying to kill me.
Now that i think about it i swear i have seen this before. No not deja vu
like i swear i have been here before. Then i glance at a tree to my right. I nearly puke at the sight of my moms body hanging from a low branch.
Chapther 2
I wake up in fright a thin sheet of sweat on my face. I turn on my bedside lamp and try to calm down. I have only had one nightmare in my life. In that dream i am being chased down a dark dirt road. Then i turn to my right and see my moms body hanging there.
It all started when my mom was brutally raped and murdered when i was 10 years old. My dad had run off when i was just a few weeks old. I was left in the care of my aunt and uncle who couldnt have their own children. I love them but i miss my mother so much. Im 14 now and i look extactly like my mom did when she was 14 or so my aunt says.
My Aunt Rhonda walks in my room just then. She silently sits on my bed and plays with my baby quilt that i have on the end of my bed.
"Baby doll did you have the nightmare again?" She asks a look of concern on her face. She is so pretty. With snow blonde hair that is shoulder length. She has warm, choclate brown eyes that are understanding and has a twinkle in them.
"Yes" I answer.
"Oh baby" She hugs me close and kisses me on my forehead. "Ben and I are here sweetheart and we love you very much."
Uncle Ben appears in my doorway then and joins us on my bed
"Kassidee sweetheart its ok the nightmare didnt really happen you know this, I know its scary but it isnt real." Uncle Ben says in his reassuring,low grumble.
"Yes I do but that doesnt stop it from being full of horror." I tell him.
"Baby why dont you try going to sleep again. Love you." Aunt Rhonda says after a very akward silence.
"Ok" i reply after they leave my room however i cant sleep. I lay there remebering the horrible, horrible day 4 years ago when i learned about my mothers murder.
Chapther 3
I was asleep at home when my grandmother and Aunt Rhonda walk into the small bedroom i shared with my mom. My grandmother is crying while she sits down on my mothers bed.
My Aunt Rhonda comes and hugs me. She sits there crying for a moment before saying the few words that changed my life forever.
"Baby your momma was killed. Baby im so sorry" She says the tears flowing, on the other side of the room my grandmother jerks and cries louder.
I thought i was dreaming but as i looked at them i realized i couldnt be dreaming all this. At that moment i hugged my Aunt closer and started crying myself.
....Thanks For Reading Sorry Its Short Im Gonna Add To It Soon Please Please Comment And Tell Me Your Ideas And Thoughts! 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:11 pm
The idea is good, definitely but there's a few things with the actual writing that kind of takes away from it.
First thing I noticed in the first two sentences is that you switch tenses (past tense, present tense). I've struggled with it too so don't worry smile But it can get confusing, for both the author and the audience if this is left the way it is.
Next thing was that you don't use many commas and your grammar is lacking a little. Grammar is our friend, he makes it easier for us to read through things and it means that the full stop doesn't get tired.
Something else that could be improved upon is sentence structure. As I said before, use commas instead of full stops and try to stretch the sentences out a little with description. What are her surroundings like? Is she scared? (yeah, I know, silly question) Is there an owl hooting somewhere? All these kinds of things will bulk up your chapters and give the reader a better feel for the setting of the story.
And one last thing, we don't write numbers like this: 15. In stories, numbers are written out like this: fifteen.
Sorry it's all feedback on the negative side but you did ask for thoughts sweatdrop Sorry if I came off as a bit of a prude. It's all about becoming a better writer though smile I hope this helped at least and I hope we get to see more from you soon - Em
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:46 am
Thank you very much! I understand im not the best speller or grammar user ever. And i totally understand why you were negative because you were trying to help. So, thanks for your feedback!
-XxXBigMouthedShortyxXx
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