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 Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:32 pm
...because of a complete and utter emotional breakdown. Very recently things went to s**t really quickly and unfortunately my drive to do a lot of things vanished with it. I can write when emotionally charged but this is like a state of apathy though obviously not entirely as I thus would not care to write this post.
So the question is, does anyone else experience something similar to this? Massive amounts of ennui toward an activity that actually still makes me want to write very badly but does not lend the motivation to actually do it? I have sat at my computer screen, my notebook, staring at it almost to the point of crying in frustration. So "just sit down and do it!" is not going to work for me.
I'm taking a break from it for a while, as I seem to write more at night when it's mostly quiet and dark out, but even that might not help. The purpose of this post isn't really asking for advice. It's just sort of...venting.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:44 pm
Oh MY GOD this is me. I am so sad that other people have to deal with emotional writing walls. They are the worst.
I have bouts of very acute, very severe depression. I sometimes completely forget this-- often for months at a time-- and simply live my life like normal, writing 1-3k words a day. I furtively cultivate a sort of cautious strain of self-esteem. I put a lot of energy into learning how to cope with having pride in things again. But it always comes back. One day something in my head will just collapse, like a botched round of Jenga, and suddenly my heart is filled with a white-hot and indiscriminately destructive self-hatred for a week or two. During this time I can accomplish nothing further, and my number one desire is to make forty thousand copies of my writing files only to delete them all at once by fiercely abrading my hard drive with industrial strength macrogrit sandpaper.
I am struggling with this right now, and I'm way behind at this point, so I'm not sure what's going to happen. But man, does it suck.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:56 pm
...
I honestly thought I was the only one. I mean, I understand other people suffer from depression but even hearing about their struggles makes me feel isolated most of the time. I think it might be because I've never been diagnosed with having it, maybe. I'm not going to go see a doctor either...because of people I live with >.>
But anyway, that is just what it feels like. I want to write and write and write and then burn everything with fire, feeling like I'm the worst person EVAR in the existence of history and I should never ever write another word again. Even expecting it I still fall into it. Every damn time.
The worst part of this isn't the not writing actually. It's the struggling to make myself get up and eat something, sleep (because this is one of them where I'm not sleeping a lot either), and not particularly caring about whether I move at all on any particular day. Food tastes like cardboard, my mind races too fast too far too hard to sleep, and I don't know about the moving part...that one just is.
So yup. S'why writing is becoming one of my smallest concerns. BUT I WANT TO WRITE SO 'FFING MUCH
Note: I am actually eating something right now, fish and french fries. So I'm not, not eating at all. It's just. Difficult. I wish I could explain it better but I can't.
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Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:54 am
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you about getting a diagnosis. Not wanting to get out of bed and not wanting to eat are textbook depression symptoms, though. In particular food tasting like cardboard sounds like an indicator of anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure). I'm not a doctor or a psychologist, of course-- just a chronically depressed person who reads a lot, which is the only thing that made me realize not everyone lives this way. I've been like this my whole life, totally nuts on and off.
It's definitely not just about writing. But it will sure as hell stop you from writing. And what you're dealing with is no less legit just because you don't have a diagnosis. I haven't been to a doctor about mine in a long time because I'm scared of getting addicted to anti-anxiety meds, LOL irony.
This same crap will put me off everything from drawing to housework to answering e-mails. It's the worst.
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Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:57 am
It's not less legit, I know, but really hard to think that way. Let's just say I live with toxic, toxic, toxic people especially on issues like this. And my depression isn't the only thing they'd attack me about either. Maybe once I'm financially secure enough to move out I will see about talking to a doctor, or someone, if I also can get over that anxiety over doing so.
I'm going to keep trying to write though. All I can do is keep trying.
Chicken tasted like chicken today. So that's something. Though I fed a large part of it to my dog.
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:55 pm
I don't think my write stoppage quite came from anything traumatic but it just gets harder each year. My three year old grandson needs chasing around while his mother is at work and my wife gets pretty annoyed if I spend more than a couple hours each day writing... so once I get so far behind it's easy for me to give up.
I still think I'll continue the story but I'm not at all worried about the November 30th deadline. I've won NaNo before so I'll take that victory as consolation and just try to enjoy the rest of the month as best I can.
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