The NEW Sunday Funnies! - Jokes for the week thread.

[The Scottish Knight]

Hello and greetings in the name of our Lord.
This is your *Joke of the Week* for the week of Feb.19th,2012.

Female dorms off limits.
******************************
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the student:
"The female dormitory is out -of- bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
The second time you will be fined $60.
A third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired,
"How much for a season pass?"
****************************************

The Biology Test
*************************
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test.
The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' question is worth 70 points
or non at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages, so
he wrote the following:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and visa versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And just then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote....
7) It comes in two attractive reuseable containers.

He recieved an A+.
*********************************************************************************

Well there you have it. The first *Joke of the Week* for the grand re-opening of this guild.
I hope that they at least bring a smile to your face and help you through the work week until The Hawk can come in and do this forum some justice.
Have a great week and may God truly bless you and yours always!
*Please remember-This is your guild as well. If you have a good clean joke or two or a poem or a riddle or a story that you would like to share with us all..
Please do right here in this forum. We would love to hear from you and your thoughts and ideas and opinions are always welcomed and appreciated.
Take good care all and may God bless!
Aaron D.III - T.S.K.  

[The Hudson Hawk]

Greetings brothers and sisters in Christ!
This is your *Joke of the Week* For the week of 02-26-2012 thru to 03-03-2012.

PARKING ON THE RIGHT OR THE LEFT
================================
While living in Denver the weatherman said, "Expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight, please park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side."
Willie's wife ran out and parked on the right side.
The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time the weatherman said to park on the left side.
So, Willie's wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road.
The following week he said, "16 inches of snow is expected tonight, please park......"
The lights went out and all our power was lost.
Willie's wife said, "My goodness, now I don't know where to park the car!"
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage." Willie said.
======================================================
It's all in the Punctuation
=====================
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

=======================================================

A poem by anonymous
=====================
A relationship is like a rose.
How long it lasts, no one knows.
Love can erase an awful past.
To feel that love it makes you sigh.
To have it leave, you'd rather die.
You hope you've found that special rose,
because you love and care for the one you chose.

======================================================
Thank you for letting me spend a moment of your time with you, and
hopefully these jokes and poems will last your whole week too. I pray that
it may of gave you a smile, a reprieve, or a break in the grind.
Until next week, may God bless you all the time.
Your brother in Christ our Lord,
David D.
The Hawk

*Also, Please remember. This joke forum is an open forum. So if you do
have a good clean joke, a poem, or a limerick.
Share it with the rest of us please. We could all use a good laugh or share a smile with a friend every once in a while.
God bless always,
Dave.  

[The Hudson Hawk]

Thank you Dramatica Angeliqua for the 3 jokes. I did really enjoy them all. Thank you again!
I guess that I can take the week off now.
Naaaawwwwww!!!!

Hello!
This is your *Joke of the Week*, For the week of March 4th through March 10th.

ONE WISH
============
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah,blah,blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three, You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.. know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.. know how to make them truly happy..."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

====================================================
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER IF:
===================================
1- You have ever been stung on the tip of your tongue!
(Your mother warned you not to stick your tongue out!)
2-You can't put your car in the garage due to the bee boxes.
3-Your "normal" friends cringe when you start a sentance with "My bees".
4-You are using your husband's wood shop more than he does.
5-You find yourself passing up plants at the nursery because they don't produce nectur for your bees.
6-Everything you own including your couch is sticky in the summer.
7-You can spot a hive tool from 50 yards away.
8-You can tell the difference between a bee and a hornet, while they're in flight with nothing more than a glance in that direction.
9-You can spot another's hive(s) while driving at highway speeds.
10-You read honey labels while shopping.
11-You buy a stethoscope to listen to your bees in winter.
12-Your sensitivity to bee venom increases so you increase your hives by half instead of doubling them.
13-When every time you pass a pry bar/scraper in a hardware store, you refer to it as a "hive tool"!
14-If at work during lunch at a picnic table others swat at bees and you say "leave my friends alone!"
15-You measure the lumber by how many boxes and what size they will produce.
==============================================
I shall leave you all with this my fellow Christian friends:
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

May God truly pour out His blessings on all of you this coming week.
Let's all uplift those who were caught in the bad storms that have ravaged the Eastern side of the United States this past week. They really do need our prayer's and any help that you can offer through assistance programs like the Red Cross.
We often take so many things for granted that the Lord gives unto us on a daily basis and we don't really know or count our blessings until something bad happens near us or touches our lives in some way.

Please have a great week! I pray that you had a splended weekend, and I pray that the jokes that both Dramatica Angeliqua, and I have provided for you this week will at least give you a smile or a grin or a laugh, and make your week a little lighter for you.

Also, Just as D.A. did. If you have a clean joke, riddle, poem or story that you would like to share with the rest of us. Please do so right here in this thread. We can all use a good joke and a smile from someone else who cares!
Your brother in Christ our Lord,
David D.
The Hudson Hawk