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 Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 11:14 pm
So I am about to graduate from my undergrad at the age of 21. I am super excited for what is ahead for me, but I can not help but feel I have squandered my youth (weird to say at 21, but just hear me out)
Recently, A LOT of people I know have become engaged, married, and/or pregnant. And when they graduate they will have a degree, babies, a husband/wife, and jobs. While I am still single, baby-less, and will only have a degree.
I some times feel that I may have felt better if I had just gotten out of high school and had a baby. But then I remember that I haven't really been in a relationship since my junior year of high school, and even then it was like a "omg I am so in love" thing.
But lately my mother has been bugging me about grandbabies, saying she wishes she could have some and looks at me. Completely disregarding the fact that my brother is 30! and has steadily been with the same woman for almost 4 years now, but that is another subject.
As far as dating in college. I have tried...somewhat. I have talked to people and tried the direct approach with one guy, in which we ended as just friends (more on my part than his). I guess....fell in "love" with a friend, in which we fell out because of his fear to "love" me back. In the meantime I have went on a few dates with a couple guys I knew from back at home when I visit. And I do have a couple interest and have recently gotten into online dating. But I have a problem.
I do want to be close to someone, and have that sense of security that I won't be alone. When it comes to guys online, when the want to meet up I am so un-trusting I come up with 50 million and 1 reasons why I can not see them. And guys, when it comes face to face, I make up excuses again about how I do not have the time. And I think that may be, because I was in a relationship with one guy who cheated on me due to me being "intimidating".
Also did I mention I am plus sized? Which I am slightly insecure about. I mean I still think I am attractive and that I have great physical appeal, but at the same time I don't. And I do work to eat healthy and stay active, but I have a condition, which is another long story for another day. But I don't know if that could be the underlying hinderance of me failing to connect with folks. I mean I don't have sex, I did it once and realized it is not really for me until I am in an amazing relationship (1+ years), but yeah. But I sometimes wonder what men think when they see me, and sometimes when they try to cuddle with me, I kind of shy away and say "No! Don't touch my insecurities!" (weird I know) lol And of course they laugh and continue.
So I think I am just rambling, because I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I would speak with my friends, but they are already worried about my relationship status. They think I am "too independent", so I don't want to tell them that I worry about these things either.
And of course this could all be stemming from graduation, which is about 4 weeks from now, and is really putting in perspective that when I was a little girl I always said I would be married by 25 or 26, and have children before 30. And while some say I have 4-5 years left, I view that as no time at all. I mean I think it takes more than 4-5 years to find your soulmate.
But I will stop rambling now. So please comment, share you thoughts, words of wisdom, or assurance. Assurance that I may not be the only one thinking this way, or that I am being completely too critical or unrealistic.
Thanks!
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Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 8:22 am
It can be a really weird feeling when your life is going in one direction and the life of everyone around you is going in another direction.
But a degree is something to be proud of. You shouldn't feel like you wasted time and "only" got a degree.
And you shouldn't feel weird about not being married. People are getting married later and later in life. The average age for a first marriage now is around the late 20s and rising. So you're certainly not abnormal there. I would personally never recommend getting married at 21 or younger anyway. People tend to change a lot during their teens and early 20s. I see no reason to rush into marriage at all, let alone to rush into it while you're still changing and developing so much.
And you definitely shouldn't feel weird about not having a child at 21. For one thing, few people can afford a child when they're that young. For another, our bodies and brains aren't done developing until we're about 25, even if we don't notice the changes at that point. Because of that, pregnant teens have more complications during pregnancy and delivery. And babies born to teens have more health problems, social problems, and learning problems after birth and as they grow. So it's safer for both mom and baby, and better on most people's bank accounts, to wait until the mid to late 20s.
So I think your life sounds like it's on a pretty good track. I think your biggest setback right now is your insecurity. You should be proud of your degree, you shouldn't feel weird about being independent, you shouldn't be comparing your life to other people's, you shouldn't be trying to keep to a timeline that you created when you were a kid, you shouldn't worry about what your body looks like if you're eating healthy and staying active, and you shouldn't be pushing guys away if you like them and want them in your life!
I got my four year degree when I was 21. I was in a relationship at the time, but it wasn't very good, and it ended not too long after. So then I was 22, single, and living alone for the first time in my life. And I loved it. I had a great time. I didn't have much money, and I didn't have wild parties or anything. I just liked seeing what I was capable of on my own, and paying my bills on time, and eating when I wanted, and sleeping when I wanted, and having people over when I wanted, etc. I didn't meet many guys in my line of work, so I started meeting guys online. I met my partner online maybe about a year to a year and a half after that, and we've been together for about six and a half years now, and we plan on adopting a child in a few years. So I can promise you that it's not too late for you. And really, even if I meet my partner years after I did, that would be ok too. We don't have to get everything done in our 20s.
And don't beat yourself up about your weight. All that matters is that you're healthy. People may have different weight, shape, height, hair color, etc. preferences for a partner. So some guys might like your weight, and some might not. But no decent person picks their partner solely, or even mostly, based on those things anyway. No one in the world is considered physically perfect by everyone.
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Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 5:01 pm
Lorien said everything I would've said. What I'd add is that I too put "time limits" on certain life milestones when I was younger, and then I've had to adjust them as I've gotten older. So it's fine to have expectations, but be prepared to keep them realistic; stuff will probably not happen exactly as you have it planned.
For example, I always wanted to be married and have at least 1 kid by 25; I'm now almost 27, with no kids, in a new relationship. The relationship I was in for the last 5 years ended not too long ago. He was the person I wanted to get married to and have kids with, but that got postponed with him. Now I'm still hoping to have at least one child by 30, but that's up in the air. It may happen, it may not.
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