|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 6:14 pm
I know I generally don't post (or really even frequent the forums) anymore here, generally because I don't really enjoy being on gaia too much but I was reminded of the great community we had here and the fun times had just messing about, and although we've all moved on to different things it's nice to see that we all have some connections back here in Pollvolution.
Now on to the "rant" part of it and it's definitely cliche, but it's a first for me and I've been having a lot of difficulty steadying myself. Break-ups, specifically being the one broken up with. Prior to this one I'd never had a serious relationship among many other things and I'd found significant comfort in it, especially being the socially anxious kind of person I am. So 5 days ago it was done and I was certainly in denial. There was a lot that went into it and the overall reasoning was that the SO hadn't been giving enough into the relationship as she believed she should have and recognized it and realized that she couldn't provide that. I had been in denial for a few months about that though I'd definitely realized it. That among many other things has led be to realize that I probably have had an anxiety disorder for years but it's been subdued with being in college and having people around. I know that being in an unbalanced relationship is toxic and I don't really want it back exact for the fact that I have a plane ticket that was intended for a vacation with the SO in december that's non-refundable. I want something to happen, at this point, just because I want to not have wasted that money.
Well, that and I still know I have feelings for her as it's only been 5 days since the wound, but I know I wouldn't want it to last. Just until December. So that's nice. But I find myself in a very particular situation in that the SO was nearly the only person that I talked to as well as the group of friends we were mutually a part of, and I really enjoy having someone to talk to and find myself having anxiety when I'm not talking to someone electronically at some point, at least just idle chatter, which is a strange in-between or introversion and extroversion for me. But anyway, dealing with the situation where I'm struggling to find people to talk to on an hourly basis (as to not "bother" someone for too long), the ex requested at least a week of no communication. Which I reluctantly agreed to and made it easier for myself to forget about the struggles I'd have with that by removing her from social media. That being said, she's still part of that friend group I'd mentioned and earlier today I tried to interact with that friend group online (vocal party chat), while having the ex muted (probably mutually), though there were multiple channels of communication, being the text chat which I couldn't mute, the one-sided conversations with the rest of the group, which seemed to have every single other person in the group having a direct conversation with her so it was like listening to someone else talk on a telephone, and another voice-chat through a game me and the group were playing. I dealt with the first two fine, but when she began speaking in the second voice com, I became absolutely enraged and immediately left the group on all channels. Like, I was seething, pacing about my house unsure of what to do.
Before the break-up, I'd made it a plan to contact a counselor and on the Wednesday after the break-up I finally gave a call to some of the persons on my list of potential therapists. Unfortunately as many people here may know, getting an initial appointment with any type of doctor takes FOREVER, so I have to wait until the 21st to have a consultation with this counselor.
But at least I've actively gone out and have looked for professional help. But until then I'm still dealing with this grief and I feel guilty talking to my friends about it because I don't have that many to begin with and although I know they're my friends and they're there for me to lean on when I'm face-down in the dirt, thinking that they're bearing the weight of my issues grieves me even more, but just slightly less so than taking the burden myself.
In short, I don't want to be angry, and I want to turn around and break the real-life social anxiety and move on to looking for a different relationship, but I'm also torn because I want something to happen with that two-week vacation I've got coming up in December.
Life is what it is. I just need a better handle on it.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:39 pm
That's what my dad used to say. He still does actually. "It is what it is". I know you're going through a lot, but if you need someone to talk with about this... or anything for that matter, then you can hit me up on steam bro. I am normally on that no matter what I am doing so you can leave me messages and what not. I am gone from 11 pm to 7 am from work. Normally I have a tad bit of restlessness anyway so I would be up during those hours. That's neither here nor there. I deactivated my FB because I don't quite care about the negative clash of emotions, or what is happening in the world between Kanye and Kim Kardashian... followed by some jackass, or a bomb going off here and there... so that line of communication is out for sure.
About the topic at hand there isn't much that I can really tell you because it's your own personal experience and there are probably a lot of random factors I don't know about... but I like to think I am decent company. :') It's no doubt obvious you know that it takes time to heal and that this is just a part of life. If I had to say anything it's that I think the walls are being built higher between you and her because of this circle of friends and lack of communication. It sounds annoying as she is always there and a constant reminder of your break up. Don't forget those you made here. : p You say you feel guilty talking to your friends about it but that's one of the more important things friends are there for. If you can find a good time to bring it up I would. Might bring you closer to whoever listens. A vacation you could really use to clear your head but sometimes it's best not to.... sometimes you have to confront it head on. You have the tickets though... maybe bring someone you can confide in. At the very least someone who will help you take your mind off of this in their own fun way.
Although I haven't spoke to many people here recently I still appreciate all of your company and I have learned important lessons growing up. I think that's special. You would be surprised at the type of anxiety a lot of people have to go through. One of the more important things is to realize that you're never alone, and everybody is alike in that aspect. We are all only human bro.
TL;DR I am glad I came on here today. Take your time, yeah? I'll hit you up in a msg with my steam infoooo. You can tell me about anything you want to.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
