Follows Deep Clean
Morning came, and went, and so did Zac.
He hadn't slept well last night, and woke up several times over--not because of anything in the house, but because of an uncomfortable paranoia that kept churning in his stomach. More than once, he thought about leaving the bedroom he shared with Talia in the renovated basement suite, and making his way upstairs to check on Julian.
Each time he talked himself out of it.
It felt like he'd only just gotten her to sleep, and she'd have woken if he did.
Zac stared at the back of his eyelids more than slept, running scenarios in his head. All of them useless, in the end.
He'd prepared for another closed door, another uneaten dinner.
He had not prepared for the absolutely immaculate kitchen. It smelled faintly of bleach, not so much that it was overpowering, but enough that he knew it was fresh. He poured a cup of coffee and took a look around the house. He should have been glad to have a spotless home--it's not like they were slobs, but nobody actually wanted to take the time to--ah, the floorboards. He'd never seen them so clean.
The bathroom was still warm, so he figured he must have missed Julian by minutes.
Tobiás would never have cleaned like this, and pre-dawn was too early for a maid service. Talia was still in bed. Todd, despite his best efforts, probably would have left a bit more fur. Soleiyu, the same, but he was still at Mauvian Headquarters doing--
Well, who knew.
Maxim was nowhere to be found. Zac checked outside, but it was dark and dreary, and while there was a short break in the rain, it wouldn't last for long. If Maxim wasn't expressing any urgency, he'd probably been out recently. He must have found somewhere better to be.
It was with great relief that Zac determined it was Julian's room.
He forced himself to throw together a quick breakfast--oatmeal again, and toast. An excuse to go upstairs.
Something settled in him when he reached the top of the stairs and found the door open. Zac raised his hand to knock but stopped himself at the last second. He waited, instead. He listened.
Silence.
And then the distant, low rumble of thunder.
Still, nothing moved.
Zac pushed the door open with his toe, and poked his head. The light was off, but the room was illuminated by the dim, cloud-covered morning sun, and the glow of the television. Still on the nature channel.
Maxim lifted his head but seemed to settle more into the bed, like he dared Zac to try and carry him out again this time. Zac breathed softly. As he passed the bed, he scratched behind Maxim's ear. Unlike before, there were no old dishes to clean up, so he simply set the tray down.
Zac had no intention of lingering any longer than necessary, so he drew away from the desk and took one step closer to the bed just as Maxim's head lowered, settling between his paws.
The dog wasn't really his priority, but Zac noticed that he seemed relaxed. Mostly.
If something was wrong, he trusted Maxim to act a bit more distressed. He was usually good at coming to get someone when something was wrong, and more than once he'd come to get Zac just to drag him back to Evan just before a crash out.
Zac looked from Maxim to Julian.
Who was asleep--really asleep this time. The last time he'd been up here, Zac wasn't sure. This time, he was. Julian's breathing was quiet, and shallow--nearly silent.
This time, there was something imperfect about about. The air caught in the back of Julian's throat, not quite a snore, but the heavy breathing of someone who had worn themselves into exhaustion, and whose body was tired of holding onto everything so tightly and finally convinced itself that it was okay to let go.
He didn't rouse Julian for breakfast. There wasn't any rush. It would keep for a while, and if Julian didn't wake up in time to eat it 'fresh', Zac would be back with lunch in a few hours anyway.
Thunder rumbled again. Maxim nuzzled into the pillow, and then flopped over on his side with a long, low sigh.
Still, Julian slept.
So Zac let him, and when he left he kept the door cracked as much as Julian had it before he arrived.
And when Zac came back with lunch a few hours later, he knocked lightly.
Julian answered. Delayed, soft. But, expecting him.
"It's open," spoken so softly that Zac wasn't sure he only heard it out of wishful thinking.
When he opened the door and stepped in, Julian was already sitting on the edge of the bed. His hair was combed, and he was dressed in nice clothes. Not the usual, comfortable, oversized sweater, but something you might wear to an interview. Julian sat with his back straight and his palms flat on his thighs.
The television was off, so Zac knew he was expected.
The dark, sleepy circles under made Zac think he might have been tired, if it weren't for how alert he seemed in every other way. Like a wire strung too tightly and ready to snap. Julian tracked him while he cross the room but kept his eyes downcast, unwilling to look above Zac's knees.
He'd eaten breakfast, or some of it. Not out of hunger, Zac guessed, because it looked like the tray had been cleared completely. Like someone had licked it clean, too.
Maxim was lying in bed, now on Julian's pillow. He was tucked under the heated blanket.
"I brought lunch," Zac said, but Julian already knew.
"Thank you." Grateful. But cautious, too.
Julian was expecting something.
Oh--
Lunch. Zac had asked him yesterday if they could have lunch together. "Are you hungry?" Zac asked.
Julian didn't answer.
Zac set the tray down on the desk and planted his hands on his hips, drawing in a deep breath. "...You don't want to talk about it, do you?"
He kept his eyes fixed to the window, like there was anything there to see but dark clouds and rain. He could make out most of Julian's reflection in the glass, so he saw the way Julian tensed, and curled his hands into fists, and then laid them flat on his legs again. Again, he didn't answer.
"It's okay," Zac added. "You don't have to. Can I sit next to you?"
Julian's lips pressed together tightly and he nodded. Zac saw it through the glass, and when he turned, Julian nodded again to make sure he saw.
Zac sat a foot away from Julian, at the foot of the bed. He laced his fingers together and rested his elbows on his legs, hunching forward. He gave himself a moment to settle, for Julian to get used to him there, and then said, "The kitchen looks good."
Silence.
"And the dining room, and the kitchen, and the bathroom. How late were you up?"
Julian shrugged. Swallowed.
Zac looked from his hands to Julian's, which were red and raw. Julian suddenly didn't seem to know what to do with them, so he slid his hands between his knees to hide them.
"You didn't have to do all that." Zac let it linger. He didn't expect Julian to respond, he continued, "I appreciate it. It was really thoughtful. But I know you're not feeling good right now, so it's okay if you need a break sometimes."
Julian always listened. He didn't always understand, but he always listened. So if it took a minute longer than Zac expected it to, that was still fine. In the end, Julian shrugged, and nodded. "Sorry."
"No, you don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." Zac had to sit up, and he drew in a long, unsatisfying breath. "None of this is your fault."
A moment passed between them. Julian didn't respond.
Patience was not among Zac's virtues, but he was stubborn, so that was close enough. "I know you don't like when people worry about you. But I can't help it. Talia's worried, too."
This time, he let the silence settle. Julian sat still, but not so much so that he seemed like he was trying to disappear. A moment passed, and then two. Twice, Julian opened his mouth to say something, and then talked himself out of it. Then, softly, "Does Talia know?"
His voice trembled. Couldn't raise above a whisper.
He sounded afraid, and young. He didn't look seventeen right now, he looked--what, ten? Zac wasn't around enough kids to know, but seeing him like that made his stomach twist. He sat up a little more but it didn't relieve the pressure, and the longer he kept quiet, the worse it got. "Yeah," he said, unable to match Julian's tone but trying his best anyway. "She knows. She's worried about you. She's mad--not at you, just at how things happened. She's going to go back to school, she's been looking things up all weekend."
Julian didn't answer immediately. Didn't relax, but he didn't shrink away or disappear, either.
Zac watched Julian from the corner of his eye. "...Can I be honest with you for a minute, Julian?"
A nod, quick and desperate. Eager to please. Even though Julian balled his hands into fists and swallowed and stared at the closet door like he wanted to disappear inside of it again.
"I'm really mad about what happened to you. I'm pissed. And I don't know if you are, or if you're making excuses for everyone who let you down, or if you've just been up here blaming yourself, or--" Zac cut himself off before any more heat could slip into his voice. He breathed slowly and tried again. "I care about you. I don't always say the right things so I'm just going to say this. You're my kid. You and Riker, you're mine. And I don't always know how to fix problems I can't fight."
If he could fight this for Julian, he would have. But he didn't even know what 'this' was.
"I don't know exactly what you're going through right now, and I'm not going to pretend like I have any idea what it's like. I know you're hurting. You don't have to talk to me, or Talia, or Riker, or anyone if you don't want to. Or, if you want to talk to someone--we'll get you a professional."
Julian shook his head before Zac could finish.
"No?"
Julian shook his head again.
"Okay, no pressure. That's kind of what I'm trying to say, I guess." Gruffness slipped into his voice, not for the first time, but Julian didn't seem alarmed by it. He wasn't looking at Zac, but he was listening. Intently.
He was breathing, blinking, still chewing on the inside of his cheek. He hadn't checked out.
Zac hadn't ******** anything up. Yet.
So he kept talking. "If you change your mind about something, you just let someone know. You're old enough to know what you need. But maybe not old enough to know how to ask for it. Which isn't your fault. I'm twice your age and I'm s**t at it. I think it's too late for me, but you've still got a chance."
Julian offered a smile. It didn't reach his eyes, but Zac appreciated that he tried. It was just as reassuring--maybe more so--that Julian didn't try to force it; his face returned to a blank canvas, unreadable except for his slightly furrowed brows.
"Sorry," Zac said after another moment. "I know I said you don't have to talk about it, so I'm not going to drag this out. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. Just--this doesn't change anything. You're still our kid, and we still--you know." Zac rubbed the back of his neck. He'd thought about a hundred different things to say, planned a speech, but most of it didn't feel right.
Julian could sniff bullshit from a mile away, so Zac dropped the pretense and gave him the truth.
"We like having you around. We want you here. So you can stay up here as long as you need, but you don't have to. When you're ready to come down, we'll be glad to have you. But don't force yourself to do anything. Okay?"
Julian sat with it for a moment. Two moments. He nodded, but he kept biting his lip and clenching his jaw, like he had something he wanted to say but he was trying very hard to remember how to speak at all.
Zac didn't rush it. He sat in silence and picked at his nails, staring at the blank television. Thunder rumbled distantly, the first time in an hour.
Julian drew in a sharp breath. "I'm really sorry, Zac."
It wasn't a generic apology. It wasn't one of his quick fixes, a bandaid over every problem--even the ones he didn't cause. It was something raw, something carved out of deep inside of him.
Zac held it for a moment. Respected it. Didn't ask Julian what he was apologizing for, or why, and didn't tell him he was wrong.
He just nodded. "Me too, Julian. Would you believe me if I told you it's going to be okay?"
Julian...
Shrugged.
Had to dig around for an answer, and then had to dig deeper for the strength to speak it. "I'd want to believe you."
"Yeah? That's good enough. How are you feeling right now? You look tired."
"I think I'm tired."
Zac nodded. "Hungry?"
Julian sat on the question. His answers were coming slower now, and his brows knitted together as the effort to focus intensified.
Honestly, Zac was surprised Julian managed to make it this far, but he suspected whatever adrenaline he'd had been saving for this conversation was starting to run dry. He wouldn't overstay his welcome. "It's okay. If you don't eat lunch, I'll still bring up dinner. Do you want to change into something more comfortable?"
"I can," Julian said, and pushed himself up. He turned on the closet light and slipped inside before Zac even realized what he was doing, but when Julian came out, he was wearing something closer to pajamas. His shirt was on backwards and he hurried back, just to stand awkwardly by Zac's side. He crossed his hands in front of him and laced his fingers tightly, maybe to hide how much they were shaking again.
The room wasn't that cold.
"Here," Zac said, and patted the bed. Maxim huffed but crawled over, taking his sweet time to move into Riker's empty spot. "Go on, get in your spot before Maxim steals it again."
Julian didn't protest, but he was rigid as he crawled over the bed, immediately settling into place.
Zac shook out the blanket and then draped it over Julian. Poorly. It covered his face, and Maxim, but Julian didn't try to adjust it. Zac moved to the foot of the bed and tugged it down until it settled just under Julian's chin.
"Good?"
Julian nodded, but he looked so tired. He'd have agreed to anything. Like he had before, he turned on the television, back to the nature channel, and some grinning eels. He left the remote by Julian, and set a bottle of water by his bed, too.
He lingered, at first to pet Maxim's head ,which was now poking out just slightly. Then, he ruffled Julian's hair in the same way. "Have good dreams. Call me if you need anything."
Julian nodded. He didn't speak again until Zac was by the door, just after he turned out the light. "Zac?"
"Yeah?"
Somehow, he seemed surprised that Zac was still there. "Thank you."
"You're good, Jules. I'll see you later, okay?"
"Okay."
Zac moved slowly, only to give him an extra moment to say anything else, but Julian had fallen quiet. The rain had picked up again, beating against the window. He turned off the light and left the door cracked.
It wasn't much, but it was an opening.
He'd take whatever he could get.
