Our kitty, Jaffa, is sick.I'm feeling absolutely craptacular. I have a stomach ache and a headache and heartburn, and I can't sleep. Every time Jaffa licks her lips, I sit bolt upright (literally, I'm afraid it means she's going to vomit since animals often experience increased saliva before throwing up). I'm so so so tired, and I just want to be unconscious but the harder I try, the more awake I seem to get.
For the past month or so I've been having pretty nasty OCD stuff. The majority of this is
obsessions. I have really nasty images that pop into my head and disturb me greatly (they're often gory) and impulses (also gory) that really bother me. Obviously they bother me, otherwise I wouldn't try not to think them and if I didn't try not to think them, they wouldn't become obsessions! Augh. Lately I've had a lot of dead-pet obsessions (I mentioned the ones with Jaffa, but I've been having them with all my pets) that are costing me a lot of sleep. I've had a lot of dreams lately about these things, too (Jaffa dying, dead millipede, ChuChu getting her toes bitten off, etc.).
I've had related
compulsions lately as well. These are really, really, really stupid. I know while I'm doing them that they make no sense and are completely illogical and I do them anyway and have a lot of anxiety if I don't do them. Things like checking the oven and dryer for a cat. Over and over again. When I know the only cat in the house is upstairs or in the bedroom. Peeking in at pets repeatedly. Checking and writing down dates obsessively (I was up until four in the morning the other day doing this). I mean, what does that have to do with keeping my animals alive? I don't know. Organizing thoughts by time and color. It's just ridiculous. Many are mental/cognitive compulsions, too.
I've been staying away from one of my biggest compulsions -- self-injury. I have this thought that if I don't do it, then certain of my obsessions will come true. (I know this probably isn't true.) I haven't done it though and don't intend to, but the anxiety is pretty intense sometimes.
For the past week or so it's made it really really hard to sleep. Once I get to sleep I'm okay, and can generally sleep pretty late, though I wake up a few times during the night (like when I kept waking up sure Jaffa was dead).
I don't know if it's worse because of seasonal affect (shorter daylight hours = lower serotonin levels, higher melatonin levels), bad holiday memories, or just totally random. I could see if sitting under a full-spectrum light helped at all, I suppose.
Anyway, I'm having some pretty darn bad obsessions right now about Jaffa, which are just made worse by the fact she really is sick. I decided I'd get up and take some Imitrex and tylenol and Tums and so while I was up, I
recorded a portion my dream from last night (the part I remembered -- it's pretty funny and bizarre, and involves my dragon character, Tserisa, and my girlfriend's dragon character, Honah).
I'll try to go to sleep now.
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