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 Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 1:37 am
So, i've been thinking i might try to write some more poetry soon. I thought you might like to read some of my recent stuff. Any tips and critique would be great, since it probably needs ALOT of improvement! This is pretty much a sample of all the typed of poetry i have written over the past year. Can't wait to read your feedback! smile ----------------------
Painting Poems
Beads of water strike the earth
paintbrush to fresh canvas;
spilling forth from heaven's quill
etching illusive thoughts.
Raven streams of inkling
dampening the page
tumble to brooks, redundant;
wiped clean off the slate.
Content with the masochistic fall
in the end reflection fair.
Although skies are clear here;
rain is falling elsewhere.
----------------------
Storm
Can you hear the howling cry?
Choking on its bated breath.
See the thunder light the heavens,
feel it shatter, twist and groan.
Lovesick fury tears the sky,
Skin and bone are pierced.
Quell the wind and quell my anger,
blood soaked tears are bitter fierce.
Silence settles, feeling lingers
twixt the reapers deadly fingers.
What was once is now no more.
See the raindrops. One by one.
----------------------
For You
For my darling beloved,
a message from my heart.
Sealed with a kiss,
may we never be apart.
Dearest, let me hold you close,
perpetually I’m yours.
Know that I’ll always be here,
to wipe away your tears.
And if you ever feel alone,
look upon the stars so high.
A million twinkling rays of light,
dancing trough a raven sky.
Let the stars that burn so bright,
lift your fears and sorrows.
For they live and flourish,
as my love for you forever grows.
You are my one and only,
true love to say the least.
My heart will only beat for you,
so never let it cease.
----------------------
Set Free My Hand
Set free my hand,
the moments tick by
and I yearn to become
everything I wished I was.
The grasp that conforms
I have held too dear
chained and confined
let me be myself.
Set free my heart,
as the clock strikes
else it thrusts me closer
to who I am not.
I could be something,
that changes the world.
I want to be unconstrained,
Let me be all I can be.
----------------------
Winter Wolf
Footprint in the snow,
the eyes in the darkness glow,
slyly, secretly.
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 1:55 pm
I know nothing about poetry, can't even write the damn s**t but I can read it.
Painting Poems:
I liked but I had to use a dictionary for every other word xd ! (You expanded my vocabulary). It flowed very nicely though. 3nodding
Storm:
I liked this one, specially the very last line, call me weird but it gave me a nice visual.
For You:
I loved the third part about stars that was so beautifully written, I'm a sucker for anything about stars though. I liked this one I felt like I was reading a Valentines day card.
Set Free My Hand: "and I yearn to become
everything I wished I was." I loved that. Overall it was brilliant too. I'm so jealous I can't write like this. gonk
Winter Wolf:
Short, simple, to the point.
3nodding Sorry I can't give more constructive stuff, I enjoyed reading them all though.
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 3:13 pm
Thankyou so much for all your comments! I'm really glad you liked them.
Hurrah for vocabulary!
And yeah. Don't worry :p I don't really know how to write or critique poems well either! So no harm is done!
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:26 pm
At brief skim, I must say, I love the haiku at the end biggrin I'll be able to give a longer critique tomorrow; still working on looking over a couple of stories!
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 1:39 am
I apologise for anything mean I say. Years of training Laura out of bad poetry habits have made me kind of blunt about it xp . This is basically line by line. Painting Poems I like the first line. Nice to see someone not calling it blank canvas. Fresh is fresh. Ascribing anything above treetop-height to heaven is a bit annoying. But its not deadly so hou can get away with it if you cant think of anything else. Illusive - again not deadly but find something else if you can. Etching is awesome. biggrin biggrin "raven = death. Inkling's good though I love this line brooks? are you sure thats exactly what you meant? blah fine fine all good here I'm leaving this line alone coz idk what masochistic is. Again, may make more sense if I knew what the above lines about. theres not meant to be a semicolon a the end, I think. Unless you meant it for some reason? I like this. heart
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:15 am
Storm
Eh alright I guess
Good good
hmmmm maybe look over this one but its ok
yes good.
hmm yeah ok
yay
yeah
"blood soaked tears"? emo emo
yep yep cool
Reaper? what reaper? wtf
I love this line love it love it
Hmmmmmmmmmmaybe
Yep this is good biggrin
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:26 am
For You WOW I WONDER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT :O
yep
yep
lame - besides which kisses don't actually seal envelopes. No seriously, they don't. It just springs open again.
You stretched this to make it rhyme, it shows. try a different wording or word so it sounds more natural.
aww sweet
yep
yep
Doesnt rhyme
la i like this one
"so high" = death
pretty good
Its that damn "raven" again 111 and rhyming "sky" and "high" is so year 5
nice
nice - I love words like "sorrow"
flourish is nice - skip the live
Grammar twisted again
cliche but in a nice way
aww how nice - anyone who's ever come within a 10m radius of you will be familiar with this kind of sentence.
These last two lines are perfect
Hooray
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 3:32 am
Juperia For You WOW I WONDER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT :O yep yep lame - besides which kisses don't actually seal envelopes. No seriously, they don't. It just springs open again. You stretched this to make it rhyme, it shows. try a different wording or word so it sounds more natural. aww sweet yep yep Doesnt rhyme la i like this one "so high" = death pretty good Its that damn "raven" again 111 and rhyming "sky" and "high" is so year 5 nice nice - I love words like "sorrow" flourish is nice - skip the live Grammar twisted again cliche but in a nice way aww how nice - anyone who's ever come within a 10m radius of you will be familiar with this kind of sentence. These last two lines are perfect Hooray I don't think my poetry has improved since year 5 anyway, or maybe its gotten worse. Either way... Yeah. I agree with you about the lameness and forced rhymes. I do hopw you realise thought that i am, and always will be lame - in that sense. I am [apparently] 'The most horribly in love person ever'. Lame + Nerd = incurable. xp I will try to fix my rhyming though, especially since i hate reading forced rhymes myself. Also... Kisses can SO seal envelopes. You just have to smother your lips in a sealant of your choice. Hot wax is my personal favourite. smile Thaknkyou for your critique!
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 3:41 am
Juperia Storm Eh alright I guess Good good hmmmm maybe look over this one but its ok yes good. hmm yeah ok yay yeah "blood soaked tears"? emo emo yep yep cool Reaper? what reaper? wtf I love this line love it love it Hmmmmmmmmmmaybe Yep this is good biggrin Haha, yeah. Any suggestions for words to use instead of heaven would be greatly appreciated. It honestly hurts me to use it so often, but i can never find anything else to fit. And reaper.. Like.. the grim reaper? I know its kind of unclear, but grim reaper didn't fit. And i'm assuming people don't think i mean "Soft plastic lure that resembles a leach. Popular on the west coast." or "A heavy tank for Core that does not see a lot of use because its bigger cousin does the job so much better. " Much love for internet definitions. =P I'll take another look over all the lines you found iffy and let you know if i'm going to make any changes. That way you can stop me if i try to make it a hundred fold worse.
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 3:49 am
Juperia I apologise for anything mean I say. Years of training Laura out of bad poetry habits have made me kind of blunt about it xp . This is basically line by line. Painting Poems I like the first line. Nice to see someone not calling it blank canvas. Fresh is fresh. Ascribing anything above treetop-height to heaven is a bit annoying. But its not deadly so hou can get away with it if you cant think of anything else. Illusive - again not deadly but find something else if you can. Etching is awesome. biggrin biggrin "raven = death. Inkling's good though I love this line brooks? are you sure thats exactly what you meant? blah fine fine all good here I'm leaving this line alone coz idk what masochistic is. Again, may make more sense if I knew what the above lines about. theres not meant to be a semicolon a the end, I think. Unless you meant it for some reason? I like this. heart Thank you, thank you. As you probably noticed, at the time of writing these poems i liked the word raven. I might change it if i can find something more suitable. And brooks are small streams right? As long as they haven't transformed into something else, or rain is no longer allowed to run into small streams then i'm pretty sure it is what i mean. razz Also: Masochistic: deriving pleasure or sexual gratification from being abused or dominated In this case its not really sexual. Or at least i can't see the sky being sexually pleased by a storm. neutral And thanks for pointing out the semicolon. I never even noticed it sitting there in the middle of my sentance! Again, much thanks for your critique. Its helpful to have someone look at your work smile Even if it is incredibly painful...
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 11:24 pm
akukei Its helpful to have someone look at your work smile Even if it is incredibly painful... How terribly true razz
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