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 Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:29 pm
You may post your writing pieces here.
Discussion of ideas and constructive criticism is encouraged. There are to be no personal attacks and if you plan on criticising, tell the person how they can improve. That way people will benefit from this thread.
If you feel that your work is huge, then post a link to wherever it is located.
You may also use this for assignments if you want them proof-read.
Do not post anything in breach of the TOS or anything maliciously offensive.
Also - do not claim other people's work and post it as your own.
If you plan on sharing a work which belongs to somebody else then please state clearly who it belongs to or provide a link.
You are welcome to recommend pieces that you like.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 3:06 am
YOU WOUNDED ME, AND IT HURTS
Diging your nails deep into my heart like claws,
Tearing and ripping at the cold red muscle.
Just one rip and it all starts to fall apart,
bit by bit.
Sacraficing a tear for a tare,
Feeling the blood drip cold on your long drawn nails,
Your victim, Your prey,
rip by rip.
Hiding the evidence, stitch it up,
Pressing the needle to the heart,
Piercing it with a need,
Stitch by stitch.
Finding a rope upon the ground,
Covered in the mystic red blood,
Drawn from the sacrifical heart,
Drip by drip.
Pulling it tight right around the middle,
As if to stop it breathing a cold breath,
Stopping it from realising any pulse,
knot by knot.
Hiding it from the innocent forsaken world,
Placing it hidden upon thorns of steal,
Just so they pierce the sides once more,
Pressure by pressure.
Locked up unable to move beyond the harming steal,
Unable to escape the forceful gravity,
Wounds not healing and growing fiercly,
Death by bed.
Draft - Your way
The way I cry myself to sleep at night,
Is the way you always smile,
The way I dance around my room each day,
Is the way you always laugh.
The way I try and make you proud,
Is the way you shake your head,
The way I sing at the top of my lungs,
Is the way you never speak.
The way I always try my best,
Is the way you never care,
The way I always kiss your lips,
Is the way you turn your head.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 3:21 am
BeautyAtMidnight YOU WOUNDED ME, AND IT HURTSDiging your nails deep into my heart like claws, Tearing and ripping at the cold red muscle. Just one rip and it all starts to fall apart, bit by bit. Sacraficing a tear for a tare, Feeling the blood drip cold on your long drawn nails, Your victim, Your prey, rip by rip. Hiding the evidence, stitch it up, Pressing the needle to the heart, Piercing it with a need, Stitch by stitch. Finding a rope upon the ground, Covered in the mystic red blood, Drawn from the sacrifical heart, Drip by drip. Pulling it tight right around the middle, As if to stop it breathing a cold breath, Stopping it from realising any pulse, knot by knot. Hiding it from the innocent forsaken world, Placing it hidden upon thorns of steal, Just so they pierce the sides once more, Pressure by pressure. Locked up unable to move beyond the harming steal, Unable to escape the forceful gravity, Wounds not healing and growing fiercly, Death by bed. Draft - Your way
The way I cry myself to sleep at night,
Is the way you always smile,
The way I dance around my room each day,
Is the way you always laugh.
The way I try and make you proud,
Is the way you shake your head,
The way I sing at the top of my lungs,
Is the way you never speak.
The way I always try my best,
Is the way you never care,
The way I always kiss your lips,
Is the way you turn your head. Not too bad. There were parts in there that don't flow so good, and afew spelling errors, but on the whole, reasonable. The only thing I really didn't like that much was this part 'rip by rip' because 'rip' is not so much a word suitable for such a phrase that relies on measure of something. By that I mean, 'inch by inch' or 'moment by moment', so I'd try replacing it with a measure, or changing the sentence all together to something else, for example 'one scar, two'. Hope that helps alittle.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 4:57 am
PAINFUL WISHES && DARK DESIRES
When your alone;
What can you say.
Do you act like it doesn't matter,
or throw it away.
When your unloved;
What can you do.
Lock it inside you,
or let it burn through.
When your depressed;
how do you act.
cut yourself blindly,
or hide in the cracks.
When you fall down;
do you get back up.
Or lay there unmoving,
being covered by dust.
When your like me;
What could you try.
Be strong and untouchable,
or sit alone while you cry?
When you feel nothing but pain;
remember this
Words can sting like bullets
and they never miss.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:45 am
This text I wrote is a form of writing that has a proper name, that I just can't remember for the life of me. Basically, it's a form where you just write without thinking about it. It's got no meaning and doesn't necessarily make sense. It's kind of scary what can come out of your head when you're not concerntrating. neutral
LOST
The children of death. Children. Children, you say? Are they children at all? Demons of the underworld, they are not.
Thus they are children. Children of death.
Their forefathers ate the dirt of the lakes. Swathed themselves in filth of demon blood. Their children bathed in the bile of monsters and drank from the breast of prostitutes.
Death. The children are dead.
Becoming the heart of the nation? Perhaps indeed. Not me, my father. My father is dead.
Killed by the children of death.
I love nothing. I feel nothing. My senses are dead, long gone to the children. I have no skin, no bones. What could I be, how could I be? Why does the land forsake me so?
Killed. Dead.
It’s all dead.
Everything laid to waste in the wake of the children. Children are not future. They are death. These children... children of death.
What hope is there in a land of nothingness?
None. No hope. None of the living.
The children are dead, my brother.
My mother, you are forgiven.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:50 am
Kaeja This text I wrote is a form of writing that has a proper name, that I just can't remember for the life of me. Basically, it's a form where you just write without thinking about it. It's got no meaning and doesn't necessarily make sense. It's kind of scary what can come out of your head when you're not concerntrating. neutral LOSTThe children of death. Children. Children, you say? Are they children at all? Demons of the underworld, they are not. Thus they are children. Children of death. Their forefathers ate the dirt of the lakes. Swathed themselves in filth of demon blood. Their children bathed in the bile of monsters and drank from the breast of prostitutes. Death. The children are dead. Becoming the heart of the nation? Perhaps indeed. Not me, my father. My father is dead. Killed by the children of death. I love nothing. I feel nothing. My senses are dead, long gone to the children. I have no skin, no bones. What could I be, how could I be? Why does the land forsake me so? Killed. Dead. It’s all dead. Everything laid to waste in the wake of the children. Children are not future. They are death. These children... children of death. What hope is there in a land of nothingness? None. No hope. None of the living. The children are dead, my brother. My mother, you are forgiven. I like it, there were a few things that didn't run completely smoothly. But it was Unique. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:01 am
Very lyric-esque to me. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:16 pm
Wrote it one night when I was bored. sweatdrop
I think Kat might know which characters gave me this idea...?
-----
My veins are pulsating with hatred for the wretched creature contained within my grasp. His eyes are a sea of terror, dawning wide as they lock unto my own. Cold sweat seeps out of his skin and trickles down the side of his gaunt face. Does he realize? He possesses no hope to. How could one realize the extent of the pain he hath inflicted upon me?
“Please…” His cruel, pale lips utter in helplessness.
Below him lies a suffocating abyss, a vastness so great that should my strength fail me he will most certainly perish. He clings to my arm with an unfathomable desperateness, blind to the void below him. I offer him a moment of silence. It is useless to discard my words to one who will not listen. This creature will never confess such sins he hath committed.
“The tyranny you unleashed upon the souls of the innocent will not go unpaid.” I hiss.
His disgusting face has been frozen for a considerable amount of time, now.
But how should one such as himself react to words of truth?
“By what cursed magic is this…?” He questions fearfully.
His question is met by a tainted smile.
I am no longer a puppet. His slavery reduced me to a pawn. I withered under lifelong oppression, my body became an object of his self-gratification and the words he placed into my mouth influenced so many to sacrifice their very lives under his name. I was the pitiful tool he exploited till death. It would be impossible for one to comprehend the mass of destruction this creature left in his wake.
“I beg of forgiveness…” The coward lies, trembling numbly.
“Then you shall wallow in the pain you ‘bestowed’ upon so many.”
My smile fades into non-existence. I feel adrenaline surging within the creature I hold - a flood of fear, panic and despair one could drown themselves in. I pluck his left eye with a bloodied hand. The piercing scream bounces off the walls and rushes back to meet my ears, like a recurring nightmare. I feel it echo until it reaches the distant world touched by sunlight, vitality and life…
As the raucous noise fades into incoherency, I am comforted knowing that the disbelief plaguing his body the moment I snatched him has surely vanished.
“HOW?!” He screams repeatedly.
“My passing unto the other world was a failure.” I whisper bitterly. “My torture had not ceased to exist when I changed form. It seems, even death cannot free one of such pain.”
“You do not exist!” He snarls, a venomous hatred dripping from his words.
“I exist only to vanquish the one whose cruelty hath left their mark upon my spirit.” I answer. “Or perhaps I owe my reanimation to the goddesses of divinity. Perhaps they have decided to put an end to the darkness which taints their world.”
“These goddesses enabled me to gain power.” The wretched creature replies.
“And they have enabled me to end it.”
I release him above the crevasse.
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 6:48 am
That's really good. eek Evil, evil.
I felt there were points where tehy text drabbled, but that's easy fixed by taking out extra describing words and allowing the sentence to be more succinct. Otherwise, beautiful. heart
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 7:45 am
xd It felt good to write because the person I pictured as the character who dies is often the one who is in control and harming others in previous pieces. I had a songfic to Father Away - Evanescence which was a good example of this but I erased it because I found it really disturbing that I would write something so vile. >>"
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 7:48 am
Now you know how I felt after writing Paper Dolls. Geez, how horrific can you get? sweatdrop
But I still have it... because it's a really good piece. ninja
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 7:57 am
xd That it is.
Man, I had a really good one a while back but I think it got deleted. sad
It was about a son who had a cruel father that didn't love him.
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:01 am
I feel bad with those ones. gonk You just feel bad for the kid.
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:10 am
He wasn't really a kid, he was more of a creation. But he saw his "father" as the purpose of his life and his father would tell him he loved him in order to get the son to do whatever he wanted.
The son was a murderer and when his plans eventually ******** up and he's left alone to die, he realizes that he was never loved. And that his father was not a true father.
sweatdrop Yeah it sounds a bit ********>
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:14 am
the following piece to me implies that it is Ganny and DL.
"My passing unto the other world was a failure.” I whisper bitterly. “My torture had not ceased to exist when I changed form. It seems, even death cannot free one of such pain.”
“You do not exist!”
but upon further questioning of the author it shows that they decided to kill of Nabooru and make it her instead.
The writing is a fine piece of work although i still understand it better as DL in my mind.
My fave ever Fanfiction was "Mutinous Company", best thing ever written in my opinion.
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Reply
