|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:21 pm
There was a break in the rain. The air outside was humid and clung uncomfortably, but it was cool enough that it wasn't entirely miserable. It wasn't yet time for dinner but the timer on the oven only had fifteen minutes left, and the house smelled delicious.
And yet, Maxim had been glued to his side. He'd avoided the kitchen, even when both Talia and Zac had been there. Waiting for this moment, probably.
He hadn't been out in hours, unhappy with the weather. Maxim didn't mind the rain; he enjoyed playing in it, usually. There had been thunder on and off, and it finally eased into a gentle rumble.
So he wanted to go outside.
Julian hadn't gone to school today, and even if he had, he'd have been finished by now. He'd stayed in his room for most of the day, but he'd come down twice before. Not for long, and he never seemed to know what to do or say. He lingered in the house like a ghost, or a guest waiting to be asked to leave, but Maxim still pranced around like he owned the place.
Naturally, Julian was ready to do whatever he could to keep him happy.
He followed Maxim downstairs and to the back door, sliding it open silently and slipping onto the back patio.
Maxim wasted no time, rushing to the backyard and sniffing around.
Julian closed the door as quietly as he had opened it and stepped off to the side, leaning against the side of the house. His hood was drawn up and his hands were buried in the pockets of his sweater. It was a thick, cozy one, that Talia had gotten him for Christmas. He wore it often--it was soft, and warm, and slightly oversized, so he could disappear into it.
The longer he was out of his room, the more tired he got. He'd been out here for a minute and his eyes already felt heavy. When he closed them--just for a second--he nearly nodded off while standing upright.
He drew in a sharp breath to wake himself up. Maxim had done his business but he was sniffing the perimeter now.
Julian had no intention of rushing him. He just stood quietly, out of the way, and waited.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:22 pm
Talia had never–to her knowledge–felt so helpless. Honestly, no, that was the truth. Talia had never felt so helpless before. She kept having stupid ideas–bandaids, really–that she wanted to try, but ended up swallowing them before they ever had a chance to get out into the world. Which, really, was most likely a good thing.
She heard the door to the outside and hesitated, not looking at Zac as she slowly made her way outside, wanting to say something. Needing to say something.
“Hey!” The word came out far too bubbly, but it was still quiet, so that was okay. “Maxim looks so cute out there…how…are you doing, Julian?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:23 pm
Julian startled when Talia joined him, not in any dramatic way, but like he couldn’t remember if she’d been there all along or just shown up. He stood a little straighter and dug his hands deeper into the pockets of his sweater.
He didn’t quite look at her, but his eyes darted to her face for a split second before returning to Maxim, whose head lifted curiously when she stepped out, but then dropped back to the ground as he enthusiastically sniffed at something in the grass.
Maxim did look cute, so Julian nodded, and then just kept nodding, like that could answer the second question, too.
“I’m fine, thank you.” Flat, quiet, but somehow still faintly inquisitive. He wasn’t sure if it was the right answer, so he waited to be corrected.
It didn’t feel right, ending it there. So he swallowed the lump in his throat and asked, “How are you doing?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:24 pm
Talia nodded too, and almost laughed, thinking that the two of them looked rather ridiculous, like bobbleheads on a dashboard which…
It was funny. But laughing wasn’t. Approved right now.
“I’m fine too, thanks.”
And that was it. That was about all she could think of to say, even though words were piling up inside her mind, inside her heart but. They weren’t right. And if she said something wrong now. It just. Wasn’t worth it to even try.
“It…”
No, that wasn’t right.
“I’m…”
No, that felt wrong too. This. Was stupid. She felt so stupid.
“Yeah.” Okay. Now she sounded stupid too. Whatever.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:24 pm
Julian glanced up briefly, but his shoulders dropped again. He knew he should say something. She looked--
Upset. Not mad. But maybe frustrated. Or lost, or hurt, or--
There were so many things that could be growing through her head. His chest ached but he didn't dare rub it. He didn't want to draw any more attention to himself than already had.
A moment passed, and then he said, "I'm sorry. I should have said it before. I haven't been thinking really clearly."
The words didn't come quickly, or cleanly. His voice was muffled, and getting the thoughts out of his head and into the world felt like fighting with a clog that just wouldn't come unstuck.
"...I think I made a lot of trouble," he added a few seconds later. "I didn't mean to. I'd..."
He wasn't sure how long he'd been out here, or how long she'd been waiting for him to finish his thought.
He hadn't really prepared for this conversation. He knew he had to have it, but he hadn't practiced.
It should have been perfect. He should have shut up. But he owed her so much, so it felt wrong to just stop.
"...I hope you’ll let me make it up to you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:25 pm
Talia blinked, staring at Julian. This was the absolute last thing she was expecting him to say, but really, she supposed it should have been at the top of the list, really. Of course he would try to apologize…
“Oh baby no.” She moved. She wanted nothing more than to draw him into a hug and just. Shut out the world but. Talia didn’t, biting down on her lip instead.
“You have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault, none of this. The way this fell out was horrible, and there is nothing for you to make up for? Julian, you are guiltless in all of this. I hope you will believe that one day…”
Because that wasn’t something she could do. She couldn’t believe for him. Just believe in him. But.
“I love you, you made no trouble at all, Julian. I promise.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:25 pm
Julian didn’t answer at first, not because he wanted to keep her waiting, but because he wasn’t sure what to say.
It felt wrong to argue. It felt wrong to agree.
It felt wrong to stay silent, so he tried to force himself to find the right words.
Thunder rolled in the distance, well before he could think of anything worth saying. His mouth was dry and he felt cold, bone deep and drenched with guilt he couldn’t shake.
He’d done plenty wrong. He could give her a list, a whole report, if she wanted. He could tell her all the reasons this was his fault, all the things he could have done better, all the ways he knew he was making trouble.
Her life wasn’t easier because of him, he knew that much. He wasn’t even sure it was better.
Even when he didn’t ask for much, he needed clothes, and food, and school supplies, and medicine. He took time away from them that they could have spent on their own things, he required attention, he needed help.
And what did he have to offer for it? He did chores. Not even the hard ones, probably. Just the easy stuff that anyone could have done. And they could have hired a cleaning service for less than what it cost to keep him here.
Even with the state sending money, which he also felt bad about, and–
Julian looked down at his feet but found no answers there, either.
Finally, he nodded.
He wanted to apologize again. Wanted to tell her he didn’t know. Wanted to tell her he'd try to make up for all of this.
He didn't know where to start or where to end, and everything was so overwhelming anyway. Thinking too hard about it exhausted him. Already, he wanted to go back upstairs and crawl into bed, but Maxim was still sniffing around.
Another moment passed, and he quietly asked, "Will you please let me know if there's anything I can do anyway?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:26 pm
Talia tried not to focus on Julian’s silence. Fought herself for wanting to fill it. To continue to just pour her heart out that he was never any kind of burden. That he had never done anything wrong that she could see. That she only wanted him to be comfortable here. To be happy. To allow himself to be loved.
She had to take a few moments to compose herself before she could answer. “I will. Promise. I can stay out here with Maxim if you want to head back in, Jules. It’s nice out and feels good.”
Maybe she would go for a walk later. Maybe she should. “I might take Maxim on a walk, so don’t worry about getting him back in, you go get some rest okay? You look tired…”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:27 pm
Julian lingered, stiff with indecision.
He was tired. Exhausted. Sleeping sounded good.
Being outside had been nice, though. Refreshing. It was cool, but in a way that made him more calm than distressed. The clouds were dismal, dark and grey, but peaceful. It was going to rain again, probably soon. Not storm, though thunder grumbled low in the sky, and stretched out for almost half a minute.
Maxim tilted his head to listen, but he'd done his business, and by now was curious about the conversation, so trotted over. He nuzzled his nose into Julian's hand, and then Talia's, as if he might find some trace of dinner hidden in wait for her to share with him.
Julian watched without any great enthusiasm, and then finally nodded again. "Okay. I was thinking about going to bed early tonight," he added, like he needed to explain more. The words came slowly, not by choice, and when he couldn't raise his voice much, he leaned towards Talia slightly so she could still hear. "...I didn't finish my homework from Friday. I should do that before school tomorrow."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:27 pm
Talia smoothed back Maxim’s fur and squatted down, stroking him behind the ears and nodding again with Julian’s words. “Okay. I’m proud of you for going tomorrow. I know it’s not an easy thing, but you…”
Easy. Don’t say too much.
She kept her eyes on Maxim. That was easy enough. “I’m just proud of you. And I know you’ve got this.”
Maybe that was the right thing to say. Hopefully?
It was too late to change it now. “I’ll pack a nice lunch for you.” Nothing heavy…maybe she could just bake some bread tonight and give him some nice slices…some soup? Some butter. He wasn’t some kind of French peasant but…it would be easy on a restless stomach.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:28 pm
Julian pressed his lips tighter together. Talia said nice things. She probably meant them. But she didn’t know the whole story.
So those words weren’t meant for him. Not the real him, at least. That praise was being given to someone who didn’t exist. No matter how hard Julian tried to be that fake version of himself, the better one, too much of the real him kept slipping through the cracks.
Kept messing everything up.
His eyes stayed low. It was getting harder to keep his thoughts organized.
Julian wanted to be good. He wanted it so, so, so badly.
But this didn’t feel good.
Maxim’s tail was hitting his leg as he wagged, tilting his head so Talia could scratch better behind his ear.
He drew in a slow, shaky breath, and nodded again.
“You don’t have to,” he mumbled. He didn’t feel like he deserved anything ‘nice’ right now. Basic. Simple. Peanut butter and jelly. Or a banana. Or a pack of crackers. Or a cup of applesauce. Something. It didn’t have to be much. And it didn’t have to be nice. If he were in charge of packing his own lunch, he’d have packed nothing at all.
He didn’t deserve Talia’s pride. He didn’t deserve much of anything, really.
He didn’t know what he could do to earn it, but he knew he shouldn’t be given it freely.
Talia was too good for him. She didn’t deserve his deception, or his trouble.
…He just didn’t know how to put into words that he wasn’t who she thought he was, but he was afraid for her to find out, too.
He was a coward. And selfish.
And he didn’t deserve to be here.
But he really didn’t want to leave.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:28 pm
“I know I don’t have to, but I would like to, if you would accept it, it would make me happy.” It felt underhanded to say that. Like she was using him for her own gratification but…he deserved good things. Nice things. Wonderful things. And maybe if he…maybe if she kept giving them eventually he would think so too.
“I don’t have to, if you really don’t want it. I don’t. I won’t push anything on you.”
A good sourdough would be good for this. She had a starter she had been working on, had made a few good loaves already but. It was time for another.
Talia continued to lavish her affections on Maxim and swallowed, chancing a glance up at Julian before looking back at Maxim. “I love you. Nothing can or will change that.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:29 pm
If it would make her happy, then who was he to deny her? Maybe she was only saying it to make him feel better. Maybe she meant it. He couldn’t tell the difference, and maybe it didn’t matter. He nodded anyway.
Again, he wanted to say something. Knew he should.
But the words just weren’t there.
So either he said the wrong thing, or he said nothing, and both felt like failures.
He was trying so hard to push the bad stuff to the side, but it felt like tying rocks to his feet and waiting to fall into the river.
Julian didn’t know how to swim. He had the strange thought that he should learn, but that was boxed up too. There were too many thoughts in his head and they crashed into each other like bumper cars, and all he could hear was the wreckage.
“...Okay. Thank you,” he said. But silence was still heavy.
He sniffled, and even though he hadn't been crying, his nose was stuffy. It sounded pathetic in the quiet between them, so he hurried to fill it, even if he knew the words were wrong.
"I know all of this probably isn't what you had in mind when you invited me to stay." He couldn't even hear himself talk, his heartbeat was loud in his ears again. Blood was rushing but he didn’t feel it, just the same old tired cold.
"...I'd understand if you said things needed to change. I'd change. I just want you to know."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:29 pm
Talia frowned slightly, gaze still heavily intent on Maxim. She was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what to say but finally just. Let loose what she was feeling. “Baby, if I knew this was going to happen when I asked you to come stay with me, it wouldn't have changed my decision. It would have given me time to figure out how to stop you from getting hurt like this, but there’s nothing that would have changed my mind about bringing you home.”
She tried to put as much feeling in the words as she could, while still keeping her voice quiet and relaxed but. The two didn’t really play well together.
“The only things that would need change would be if you found anything that would better help you. That would make it so you were more comfortable, that could…I don't know. That would just let you know that you’re safe here, and you’re wanted. And that you’re loved.” Because that was really. All that Talia cared about.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2026 7:29 pm
“I know,” he said quietly, and while he did not sound uncertain, he did not speak with conviction, either. He believed her. But she wasn’t the problem. She’d never been the problem.
Even before this, he’d always wanted to make Talia happy. He’d always wanted to make her proud. Sometimes, he felt like he was doing a good job, like those things were almost within reach.
He couldn’t remember why. Right now, all those memories seemed so distant. Like dreams slowly slipping away.
Was any of it real? Or was it just another thing he’d gotten wrong?
There wasn’t time to get stuck in his head again. He didn’t want Talia to have to stand out here waiting for him to figure out how to think.
“I know all those things,” he said, desperate to stay on topic. Desperate to stay here, in this moment, and not wherever else his mind kept trying to send him.
It was hard to speak above a mumble, but he put all his energy towards trying.
“You’ve always been good to me,” he promised. “You’ve always done more than enough. This is–this isn’t anything you–I just don’t want you to think you did anything wrong, it was never–”
He swallowed. “That’s not what I was trying to say. I’m sorry. It’s not coming out right. I know how much you do for me. Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
